The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 55

Craig Robinson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 21, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Craig Robinson
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Oregon State University's basketball coach and author of A Game of Character: A Family Journey from Chicago's Southside to the Ivy League and Beyond, Craig Robinson.
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      • Stephen: Well, there is finally a way to stop the flow of illegals and it is the subject of tonight's Word: No Problemo. Folks, my great grandfather didn't travel 4,000 miles across the ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants, he did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. Thankfully, Arizona has found a way to solve this problem once and for all.

        [Video: Reporter: The full Arizona legislature has passed the strictest anti-immigration bill in the country…
        Reporter 2: Here's what's in the bill: If a cop has a reasonable suspicion that someone is here illegally, this requires the officer ask that person for proof that they're here legally. Now anyone with out documentation showing they're allowed to be in the U.S. legally can be arrested and charged, jail costs and also fined of at least $500…]

        Stephen: And I believe they're allowed to taser anyone using the word chipotle. Now no surprise folks, the civil libertistas are up in arms.

        [Video: Alfredo Gutierrez: This is a civil libertarians nightmare..
        Isabel Garcia: We have not seen this kind of legislation since the Jim Crow laws….Stopping all of us who are brown skinned, legalizing racial profiling….]

        Stephen: First of all, this is not Jim Crow. (Actually, Juan Crow) Folks, like they're saying that harassing Latinos with racial profiling is an inevitable side effect of this law. It's not, it's the entire point of this law. Just ask its sponsor, State Senator Russell Pierce who said: "When you make life difficult…most will leave on their own." It's the same strategy I use to keep deer out of my garden. By the way, if this law fails, we should try sprinkling Arizona with wolf urine. (Blitzer could use the cash) This legislation get to the heart of the problem: illegal immigrants have it to cushy. (C'mon, Univision and Telemundo?) And folks, don't tell me they work hard picking our fruits and vegetables, every Halloween I take the kids apple picking and they love it. (Until the bees find them) Well, at least in Arizona the free ride is over because no illegal immigrant is going to want to be pulled over all the time. (Black people not crazy about it either) Or for that matter, legal immigrants because they look the same so you have to pull them over too, or American citizens of Hispanic descent, or Italians, because you know the olive skin and lets face it, the ravioli is just a wet empanada.

        And come to thing of it, Eskimos are basically ice Mexicans, the point is no immigrants of any kind will want to live in Arizona which is great because already their illegal immigrant population has dropped 18% since 2008, mostly because of the poor economy. And this bill is going to make the economy even better, by which I mean even worse because immigrants account for 29 billion dollars of Arizona's economy, and when they leave, that hit to the economic cajones will make sure no one will want to live there. (Like a very dry Detroit) And once there's no people, no problemo. (No problemo)

        And that's the Word.

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