The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 97

Crosby Stills & Nash

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 30, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Crosby Stills & Nash
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Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary musical act Crosby, Stills & Nash.

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      • Stephen: Tonight: America's state fairs are in trouble. Where will we step on strangers vomit now? Then which spider will be named after me? I hope it's Charlotte, she's hot. Plus Crosby, Stills & Nash are here to perform Teach Your Children, one for the finest songs about home schooling. For every action I have a superior and opposite reaction. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: The state of the American carnival is not strong, which brings us to tonight's Word: Save Ferris. Now folks, let me be clear, I don't pity these state fairs, I am angry at them. (Probably guessed his weight & age) You see, state fairs are critical reserves of our nation's most precious national resource: (High fructose corn syrup?) Americana. Now I've never been to a state fair, but that doesn't stop me from nostalgically recalling that I did. Why, I remember when I was a kid…Jimmy, can we get this in soft focus please? Even softer, this is really nostalgic. Now put it in sepia…that's better. [Pulls out blade of grass to chew on] Golly, South Carolina State Fair. I remember stoppin' by Aunt Marnie's booth to see how the pies were a sellin'. Then stopping by the goat pen to see how they were a goatin'. And sure I only one the brown ribbon, but I worked day and night on that scale model of Fort Sumter made entirely out of butter. [back to normal] You see, that fair made me who I imagine I am, (Jon Stewart) which is why I am furious that state fairs are letting a little economic collapse ruin the fun. (Just collect change from the bottom of The Gravitron)

        You see folks, state fairs are supposed to be a celebration of that state's harvest, coupled with a joyous exhibition of two-headed calves and dog-faced boys. (He prefers "Duane") Well now states have a new bumper crop: hardship. (Still tastes good deep-fried) These fairs just need to alter their attractions to fit the times. Instead of giving out prizes for best chili, give out prizes for the best use of catsup as an entrée. (Salt: The other white meat) And instead of hiring expensive sideshow freaks (Members of Local #843) why not show off your states uninsured. I bet they have some pretty horrifying conditions. ("See the amazing high blood pressure man!") Now remember, state fairs were how we got through hard times in the past. During the Depression, there were games like the Dust Flume, the Sackless Sack Race and Toss the Okie. (Mr. Joad's Wild Ride!) Well, I say shame on you state fairs, shoulder your responsibility! (Unless you're "The Shoulderless Man") If you can made throwing baseballs at a drunken, toothless man dressed as a clown a happy memory, then surely you can make us nostalgic for now.

        And that's the Word.

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