The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 75

Dag Soderberg

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 04, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-founder and creative visionary of the Bible Illuminated, Dag Soderberg.
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      • Stephen: Nation, summertime is here. Time for skimpy clothes and lots of bare flesh. Which naturally makes me think of one thing ... abstinence-only sex education.

      • Stephen: Tonight: Wikipedia takes on the Church of Scientology. Who's wildly inaccurate version of reality will triumph: Then: The latest on abstinence only education. It will be worth the wait. And my guest Dag Soderberg has published a Bible that looks like a fashion magazine. You've never seen Jesus this pouty. This show's got everything from soup to nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup. My nuts were in there. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But there is still time to protect America's teens and it brings us to tonight's Word: Just Don't Do It. Ladies and gentlemen of America the administration says they're replacing abstinence with quote: "...teenage pregnancy prevention programs that have been proven effective through rigorous evaluation." So what!? Abstinence only education effective prevents teen pregnancy, just ask its new spokesperson Bristol Palin. Now sure, sure she had a baby, but imagine how many babies she would have had if she wasn't abstinent. (New on TLC: Bristol and Levi Plus 8) Now some people question the evidence. For instance the state of Maine refuses funds for abstinence only education and still has one of the lowest teen birth rates in the country. But have you seen the average Mainer? [Picture of a lobster] She was homecoming queen. The point is, Obama going to eliminate a proven moral high ground and replace it with condoms for toddlers. What's next!? (The contraceptive SpongeBob?) Which means folks we only have a few short months left to scare America's youth into never having sex. And to do that, we are really going to have to amp up the horror. (Joe Lieberman sex tape!!!)

        Now currently only abstinence only programs like Aspire warn teens that is they choose sex instead of…I guess…windsurfing…they will likely face "STDs, AIDS, infertility, and cancer." But that is not scary enough, you can get most of those from windsurfing. No, we should be telling kids that premarital sex can lead to spontaneous genital combustion! (What happened to Ken doll) So, teen nation, gather round, it is time to have the talk. The one about S-E-C-K-S. (i.e. The fax of life) Alright, teens. Sex is as natural as the birds and the bees because if you do it you will be stung to death and have your eyes violently pecked out! (If you do it right) Girls, you could become pregnant. Boys, you could become pregnant too! Sometimes it goes back up and you grow a baby in your ball sack. (How kids get nut allergies) Unbelievably painful, women will never understand. If you don't tamp down your physical desires boys, you could go insane and find yourself copulating with the coin return of a vending machine. (Bright side: Free Kit Kat) And girls if you give into your lust you could end up copulating with something even worse. (A teenage boy)

        Now that might have seemed a bit harsh, but I am doing it for a good cause. Because when it comes to finding real world alternatives to abstinence only education we should take the advice we give our kids. Just don't do it. (Just don't do it) And that's the Word.

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