The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 43

Dambisa Moyo

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 01, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Dambisa Moyo
Tonight Stephen welcomes the former head of Economic Research & Strategy for Sub Saharan Africa at Goldman Sachs and author of Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa, Dambisa Moyo.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The take home message of this economy: There is nothing to take and you have no home. Then: Doctors may have found a new miracle cure, but who would want to cure miracles? And my guest Dambisa Moyo says we should stop sending aid to Africa. It's all in my new song: We Aren't the World. Hey, songbirds nesting outside my window! You are now 82 months behind on your rent. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: All I need is some way to know how to feel about what's happening, which brings us to tonight's Word: Fine Line. Folks, last week Secretary Geithner announced his plan to clear up the banks toxic assets. Now I didn't understand it, but it must have been good because the Dow immediately shot up 500 points. Thank God for the Dow, it's so easy to understand. You see, it uses the stock prices of the 30 biggest American companies, (We still have 30 companies?) then it calculates their price weighted scaled average using a divisor that changes every time there's a split or dividend, (Then adds 15% for tip) or to put it in a simpler way: this. [Math formula] I believe I was in that frat. Now the companies included in the Dow are stalwarts like Bank of America and McDonalds, which is fitting because many Americans need to take out a loan to buy a Big Mac. (Thanks to Freddie Mac) The point is, when the line goes up things are okay, higher is always better. (Just as McConaughey) It must be better because the very next day the President held a press conference and not one reporter asked about the administrations new trillion dollar asset program. Then again, what was there to ask, the market had spoken. ("Please kill me")

        Now, admittedly folks, the Dow speaks in a language that is meaningless to most Americans. (Stox Gr8! LOL!) While the Dow reached record highs in this last decade, 6 million more people fell into poverty, real wages declined and the gap between rich and poor widened to a point not seen since Cornelius Vanderbilt invented orphan polo. (Also invented "monopoly") Plus, the Dow's got this annoying glitch where sometimes it actually goes down. We can do better folks, a new index that's just as meaningless to the majority of Americans, but always goes us. (Body mass index) No Dow, no Jones, just The Line. Let's try it. Jimmy, where's The Line right now? [Graphic pops up] 36,000! That's so many! You know what Jimmy, let's color that thing gold. Put some boobies on it! Big ones! Oh yeah! Now I want to ensure everyone out there that The Line is derived from a complex algorithm. Now that's 2R Sigma winging squared divided by the cube root of schwa times the trucker mudflap lady. You know what, Jimmy, let's check The Line again. Oh my God! It's at disco roller freakout! What? I'm being told that we've just received a statement from the Secretary of The Line Alan Bronstein: [Clip from Roller Boogie] That projects confidence. (And zazz) And folks, that's all we need, because as the world spins out of control, we need something we can control to make us feel that we're still in control. Something to hold onto, no matter how slender the thread. (Fine line)

        And that's the Word.

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