The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 124

Dave Levin

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 01, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-founder of the KIPP Academy, Dave Levin.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Is the news media too aggressive? Anybody accuses me of that I will punch them in the throat! Then: Voter registration is up among young people who thought they we signing up for X-Box Live. And my guest Dave Levin runs some of the highest performing public schools in the country. Huh, I always though that was pronounced private school. I think, therefore you are. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But luckily there is a new way to report the news and it's tonight's Word: Future Perfect. Last week folks, China launched its third manned space mission, but hours before the Chinese shuttle even left the ground, the Chinese state news agency called the mission a major success reporting that: "The ship disappears below the horizon. Warm clapping and excited cheering breaks the night sky…" Well done China! For one thing, reporting a successful space mission before it happens is a lot easier than building a soundstage in Arizona. (Soundstage actually made in China) But more importantly, reporting on future events is a giant leap for mankind. (To journalistic integrity and beyond!) You see folks, we can stay ahead of the bias mainstream press by reporting the facts before they actually exist. John McCain is already on board. (The "Straight Talk Titanic") Last Friday, hours before last Friday's Presidential debate began, the McCain campaign posted this ad on Wall Street Journal.com: McCain Wins Debate! He was able to get his version of the story out before the press could mangle it with what happened. (Winner fakes all) You see it's not just John McCain, last Tuesday, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson also made pre-history when he explained who put taxpayers on the hook for this Wall Street bailout.

        Video: Henry Paulson: They got put on the hook by the system we have, the system we all let happened, the system that Congress, the administration, future administrations let exist…]

        Stephen: See! Secretary Paulson and the Bush administration are only slightly responsible. (And even less effective) Really, in actuality folks, it is not them, it is future administrations who are really to blame for this mess, which reminds me. Breaking News: It's official, Hillary Clinton's 2012 Presidency is responsible fore destroying the economy four years ago. But the best thing about before it happens reporting is the outcome can be anything you want. (Cubs win! Cubs win!) After all, if anybody out there says: Hey, you're lying! I can just report another story from the future: Federal investigators have discovered that people who called me liar are terrorists who are also fat. Now, tomorrow night is the big Vice Presidential debate, by the way: Breaking News: Sarah Palin gutted Joe Biden and wore him like a pantsuit. Wow! That is big news, I cannot believe I am the only one who reported that. Now we all know Governor Palin has a lot of foreign policy experience, because from Alaska she can see Russia. (But not evolution) More to the point, Russia is on the other side of the International Date Line from Alaska, it's tomorrow there. So when Palin looks at it, she's actually seeing the future. (Where she got her kids' names) This is just more proof that in this new golden era of tomorrows news today, Palin has the experience we need, (Or will later) because if pre-reporting the future works, we can base opinions and decisions of today of facts that don't exist yet and build our own bridge to the future. (Nowhere)

        And that's the Word.

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