The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 14

Dave Marash

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 31, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Dave Marash
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes reporter, Dave Marash!

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  • Stephen talks to Dave Marash about working for Al Jazeera.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from the State of the Union to Kanye West dressing up as Jesus.

    Stephen starts off the show by asking the director for some music in his earpiece. He then says that he's listening to the President's State of the Union Address in his earpiece. As he's about to begin, Stephen stands up and applauds for the President, but it's a false alarm. Back in his seat, Stephen begins to discuss the Oscar nominations, but is interrupted by the President, so he gets up and applauds. Back in his seat, Stephen says the Oscars tragically overlooked the great accomplishments of Martin Lawrence.

    Stephen then transitions into actors who have portrayed Jesus, which brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Jesi," or more than one Jesus. Stephen goes on to discuss how Kanye West was on the cover of Rolling Stone, dressed as Jesus, and there was also a recent Christian TV series, which got cancelled. Stephen ends the segment by offering tips on figuring out which is the good Jesus, and which is the bad Jesus.

    Back from commercial, Stephen is applauding the President's speech. He then introduces another segment called "All You Need To Know." First up, Sam Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court, so buy condoms. Next up are bits on Gitmo, an Alaskan volcano, and eBay.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Dave Marash, a journalist for Al Jazeera. They chat about what it's like to work for Al Jazeera, something Stephen finds odd, since Mr. Marash is Jewish.

    Back from commercial, Stephen ends the show with a segment called "The Crazies F*?king Thing I've Ever Heard." Stephen shows a clip of a snake and hamster living together, something Stephen doesn't think is natural. Stephen then mentions Russ Lieber will be in-studio tomorrow night.

    Tonight's episode was another good one. The idea that Stephen was listening to the President was funny, and thankfully, they didn't overdo the number of interruptions. I really can't say there were any standout segments, everything was fairly average.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (3)

    • Stephen (on Best Actor nominations): Do you know what's missing? 4 Words, people: Big Momma's House 2.

    • Stephen: The State of Union is my Superbowl, March Madness, World Ice Dancing Championships rolled up into one.

    • Stephen: ...which brings us to tonight's Word: Jesi. As in more than one Jesus. (If Only) This month Kanye West went on the cover of Rolling Stone sporting a crown of thorns. I can't imagine anything more offensive to Christians. (Maybe Darfur?) Why can't magazine be tasteful? Like the Newsweek cover with Jim Caviezel. People didn't complain about that. (Except a certain chosen people) Last week NBC cancelled The Book of Daniel thanks the efforts of the powerful Christian lobbying group Focus on the Family headed by James Dobson. That show had Jesus hanging out with an Episcopal priest who has a gay son and a pothead daughter, plus, he's always getting high. The priest, not Jesus. (Jesus high on omnipotence)

      With so many Jesi out there, Satan is clearly trying to confuse us. Just like when He put those dinosaur bones in the ground. (Hoax-asaurus Rex) How do you tell a good Jesus from a bad Jesus? Well history teaches us if there's more than one of any character, the bad one has a goatee. (Picture of mirror Spock) In the case of women she's a brunette and she clearly puts out. But with Jesi it's harder. Let me put two pictures up here and you tell me which on is the good Jesus. (Jesus from South Park, or Aslan from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) If you picked the one that walks on two feet and does not have razor sharp retractable claws, you are wrong. Evidently opposable thumbs do not a Jesus make. (Raccoons have 'em)

      Here's how I tell. When I'm confronted with a media portrayal of Jesus, I always ask myself: What would James Dobson Do? (WWJDD) Let's take for example parenting. In his book Dare to Discipline, Dobson writes: "Pain is a marvelous purifier... it is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely." So you know it's the real Jesus if you see Him striking a child, or better yet, funneling contributions to Republican candidates. However, if the Jesus in question is tolerant of others beliefs, (Too "forgive-y") if He criticizes the church, (Jesus: Pro-Pharisee) hangs out with tax collectors, (Make the cuts permanent!) and turns the other cheek, (Instead of spanking lower cheek) well that is the bad Jesus, or at least the bad Dobson. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between those two.

      And that's the Word.

  • NOTES (0)


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