The Colbert Report Season 3 Episode 3

Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Worry. As in I worry about Missouri. Last week Democrat Claire McCaskill was sworn into the United States Senate, a seat she won evidently because Michael J. Fox has some grudge about embryos. And in this past election Missouri passed a stem cell initiation that allows human cloning. Get over it St. Louis! There will never be another Ozzie Smith! (Though BALCO has lab full of McGwires) And there are other troubling signs folks, last year the state voted to raise the minimum wage, (Extra money goes straight to Anheuser-Busch) and Kofi Anan chose Missouri to give his farewell rant criticizing President Bush. (While opening his theater in Branson) Worst of all Missouri is planning to use government funding to help residents pay for medical insurance. (The show me where it hurts state) Scary stuff. I don't like seeing heartland states acting like coastal elites. I'm talking about your Vermonts, your Californias, your Massachussi which all have plans to provide some form of affordable healthcare. Oh yeah, let the taxpayers foot the bill for those hacky-sack injuries and complications arising from sodomy. (And there are some) Well listen up Missouri, heal thyself, you're the one who's sick here.

You're the heartland and the heart is the most vital organ, way more important than lungs or brains. (Don't even bothering auditioning, pancreas) When the heart is not working, nothing works. If your heart is diseased the infection can spread easily and look how many states Missouri touches. Iowa, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, it could be our touchiest state. (The "Grope Me" State) Now could we cure Missouri? Maybe, but conservatives have been prescribing gay marriage bans and flag burning amendments for years, Missouri just won't respond to treatment. (This is a case for House) So I propose, and this may seem radical, I propose America perform a heartland transplant. We delicately remove Missouri and replace it with a stronger heartland: Texas. Now as you can see from this map we may have to loose Arkansas, but let's face it, that state's vestigial, nobody knows what it was originally for. (To make Oklahoma look good?) And with our new Texan heartland pumping away America will be strong again. We'll have pro-gun, pro-life, pro-execution values throbbing their way through America's extremities. (Make Florida point north) We may even get some moral feeling back on the coast. California can put and end to gay civil unions and Vermont can put an end to gay maple syrup. (Aunt Jemima & Mrs. Butterworth "just friends") Then we take Missouri and we put it in Texas' spot, fire up the defibulater and give it a real shock: 1.4 million illegal immigrants. (Meet me in San Luis) Before you know it, Missouri will be erecting giant electrified fences and demanding English be the official language. Nation, we have got to toughen Missouri up, because the last thing we want America's heart to be is tender.

And that's the Word.