The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 100

David Carr

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 05, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times columnist and author of The Night of the Gun: A Reporter Investigates the Darkest Story of his Life--His Own, David Carr.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The solution to the fuel crisis may be just around the corner. God, I hope it's a gas station! Then, racial tension on the rise in Switzerland. Conditions have escalated from neutral to ambivalent. And my guest David Carr is a recovering drug addict who is now the media critic for the New York Times. Sounds like he's finally hit rock bottom. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Thankfully there may be a way out of this bleak future, and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Divided We Win. Folks, what the Republicans need right now is a wedged issue, (And a reanimated Reagan) something to split the country apart so they can suck out all the juicy votes, the way John Adams won in 1796 by accusing Thomas Jefferson of wearing his pantaloons in the continental style. Cost a lot of votes. Now in the past Republicans won elections with great wedge issues like flag burning, gun control and wind surfing, but recently Democrats have fought back with their own wedge issue: George W. Bush. The man is one giant walking wedge. (The simplest of tools) Well, Republicans are going to have to find a new issue and I know just the place to look. (Karl Rove's hope chest?) Switzerland, where a campaign has been organized by the right wing Swiss People's Party to ban the construction of minarets which adorn Muslim mosques. The Swiss People's Party says minarets are quote: "…a symbol of Islamic law, therefore incompatible with the Swiss constitution."

        The Swiss know the symbols for law and religion should always be separate, unless of course you want to put a cross on your flag. Now, in fact minarets are not symbols of Islamic law and there are only two of them in all of Switzerland. (One might be that Ricola guy's horn) So, minarets don't really seem like much of a threat in here [points to his head] but in here [points to his heart] Muslims are putting minarets around Heidi's grandfather's house! (Yodel-ay-hee-Hussein) Next the People's Party of Switzerland just needs to start the rumor that Muslims want minarets to be included in all Swiss Army Knives. Now they're just doing this to drum up votes and that's a smart move because this is an emotional issue for the Swiss the way gay marriage is for Americans. (Minarets a threat to traditional steeples) Just like Americans and gay marriage, the Swiss don't care what Muslims do in the privacy of their own mosque, but don't flaunt it. (No one wants to see your "prayer tower") Now just to be clear, I am not saying Muslims are gay, and I certainly in no way implying that the Prophet Mohammad was a homo….

        [Screen cuts out with "technical difficulties"]

        Stephen:…a camel! And I would not imply anything of the kind! What I am saying is that Republicans need to learn from the Swiss here. (Hide Nazi gold) All American wedge issues involve people: flag burners, immigrants, Steely Dan. But the Swiss have opened up a whole new field for potential wedge issues: architecture. There are so many building styles out there threatening our values, like the yurt. Hey hippies, why don't you cut out the middle man and just join the circus. I'll tell you what I think is the worst offender: the Corinthian column. All columns do is provide welfare for the roof, that roof ought to be able to stay up by itself. No free rides, comrade ceiling! (Tear down these walls!) Plus pretty, ornate decorations at the capital, if you know what I mean. So Congressional Republicans, for that matter Congressional Democrats, think about making Corinthian columns a wedge issue. If you get voters fired up enough about them, maybe they'll forget how much they distrust both of you. And then we can all get down to what's really important. (Tire gauges)

        And that's the Word.

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