The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 86

David France

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 26, 2007 on Comedy Central
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David France
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist David France.
Today
1:30am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Thursday
1:30am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Friday
1:30am
COMEDY
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Merry Chirstmas. And to my Spanish viewers, merry Chirstmas, learn English!

      • Stephen: You've heard of truth in advertising, this is truth with advertising. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: My guest says the gay-dar is real, so I don't have to see a doctor about that beeping in my head.

      • Stephen: The administration considers closing Gitmo. I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India.

      • Stephen: …the answer is tonight's Word: Elsewhere. To begin with, if Guantanamo does close, nobody can pin this on the Bush administration. It's all the fault of activist judges acting like judges. The let 'em loose Louies on the federal bench have ruled that the military tribunals at Gitmo are unlawful. The adminstration's hands are tied. (Safe word is "Cheney") Now they have to move the detainees someplace, unfortunately the options are not great. (There's a convention in town) There is the maximum security brig at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas but Vice President Cheney's office and the Justice Department argue that "…moving 'unlawful' enemy combatant suspects to the U.S. would give them undeserved legal rights." Which I imagine means legal rights. Of course, we are building a new high tech prison in Afghanistan. (Proves we're rebuilding their country) But if keeping combatants in Afghanistan is such a good idea, why did we take them all the way to Cuba in the first place? (The frequent flier miles?) Now, if we close Gitmo as Secretary of Defense Bob Gates has advised, we need to find a way to: "Permanently imprison some of the more dangerous Guantanamo Bay detainees elsewhere." Now, "elsewhere" is a mighty big place. (Let's invade!) Just look at this story: "Simulated trip to Mars planned." Turns out NASA wants to practice for a trip to the red planet and needs volunteers to spend 520 days in quote: "extreme isolation and confinement." Sounds promising. (Houston, we have a prison) This will be one small step for man, one giant leap for detaining that man indefinitely. These prisoners have the right stuff. (No rights) After all, after five and half years in Gitmo they can do 520 days standing on their heads. (May have already) And ultimately this will prepare them for the long term solution to the problem, a solution to the problem the President laid out three years ago.

        [Video: President Bush: With the experience and knowledge gained on the Moon, we will then be ready to take the next steps of space exploration: human missions to Mars and to worlds beyond.]

        Stephen: Now critics called this proposal a needless distraction from the war on terror, but it clearly was part of the President's plan to win the war on terror. Because nowhere in the Constitution do the Founding Fathers extend due process to Mars and worlds beyond. (Or to women & black people) They could not have even imagined space travel, well maybe Ben Franklin when it was harvest time. (High as his kite) But this is the answer to our problem, at least until we develop… The Phantom Zone! For the record, I will not kneel before Zod. We must launch the Gitmo prisoners into the void of space. That will finally place them outside the jurisdiction of the U.S courts. (In space no one can hear you appeal)

        And that's the Word.

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