The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 104

David Gergen

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 15, 2006 on Comedy Central
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David Gergen
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Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator of PBS's NewsHour with Jim Lehrer and author of Eyewitness to Power: The Essence of Leadership Nixon to Clinton, David Gergen.

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      • Stephen: …and one that leads to tonight's Word: Dumb-ocracy. Because that's what we'll have if every idiot is forced to vote. (Currently forced to vote for idiots) You know, as children we're all taught that every vote counts, (Scalia missed that lesson) but folks, what we're not told is that every vote counts more if other people don't vote. Evidently they don't teach math in civics class these days. (Too busy praying) You know, Norm Ornstein, you're trying to dilute the power of my vote. If I chose to vote, I don't, I'm a non voter. (Damn felony conviction!) Not that I have anything against voting per se, I just don't like the government telling me where and when to vote. Sorry, I'm busy November 7, I've got a thing. (TP-ing Ned Lamont's house) Ornstein says fines around $15 for not voting are already placed in Australia, and they encourage moderates between the political extremes to vote. Well maybe he's right but I like America the way it is: polarized. (Sea vs shining sea) Now people who don't have and extreme opinion on the issues shouldn't be able to express their opinion at all, there's no place on the ballot for: eeh. (Beaten in primary by "Whatever") You are either for the Iraq War or you hate America, there is no gray area there. (Or gray matter, apparently) In addition, this sort of fine would unfairly punish the poor. I say instead of punishing the poor let's reward the poor by giving them money not to vote. See, the poor don't have much to offer democracy, (Other than soldiers) what we need is the expertise of the rich. They most know something, they've got all that money. They must have six, maybe seven habits that make them such highly effective people. (#1 habit: cocaine) To make sure they share that wisdom through voting I say we fine them, I don't know, $20,000 if they don't vote. (They'll get it back in tax cuts) Then we use that to pay the poor not to vote. They can't afford not not too. Then the poor can spend that cash on something that can truly empower them: the Lottery. (Empowerball) Now we don't need everybody to vote Mr. Ornstein, we just need the right people to vote. That way we'll get the government we deserve. (Dumb-ocracy)

        And that's the Word.

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