The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 133

David Kuo

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 18, 2006 on Comedy Central
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David Kuo
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Tonight Stephen welcomes former special assistant to President Bush and author of Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction, David Kuo.

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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Sherlock. The New York Sun got a hold of Baker's preliminary report which wasn't supposed to come out until weeks after the elections, I don't know why they'd wait till then. In it the commission rejects stay the course instead it proposes two options: Stability first (Cut and run second) and redeploy and contain. (Cut and run first) Both of which accord to the Sun quote: "…rule out any prospect of making Iraq a stable democracy in the near term." And Jim Baker ought to know, he's an expert at stable democracy. (See: Florida recount) It looks like we lost another one, and by that I don't mean lost a war, I mean, because we've never lost a war, (Except on drugs and poverty) I mean we've dispelled another myth about why we went into Iraq. What a rumor mill. First someone spread it around that we invaded because of WMDs, well that can't be why because there aren't any there. (Thanks a lot, Clinton) Then somehow it got into the atmosphere that Iraq was linked to Al Qaeda, (It is now) now obviously you can't invade based on that. Who'd believe that without evidence? (Evidently 39% of Americans) And the last reason making the rounds like a bad internet joke is that we invaded to bring democracy to the Iraqi people. (Ballot delivered by via cruise missile) But according to this report democracy's not going to be reestablished there any time soon. (Might be reestablished here in November)

        So what does that mean? Well Sherlock Holmes famously said: Once all other explanations have been eliminated, whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth. So if there are no more reasons why we invaded Iraq it simply stands to reason that we actually did not invade Iraq at all. (Anyone seen 300 billion dollars? It was just here.) Yeah, that's um…that makes much more sense. It's elementary, really. We were minding our business (Halliburton) when suddenly, out of nowhere, Saddam went nuts! (More nuts) He left his palaces and started living in a hole. (Hole done in Rococo style) His armies dissolved and the Iraqi people took to the streets and started looting everything in sight. (Honestly, not much in sight) Folks, the country was spiraling out of control, they begged us for help. (Their silence spoke volumes) So what could we do? We went in, not into a war, into a humanitarian crisis. And remember, you can't lose a humanitarian crisis. (Buck up, Darfur) That sounds a lot better. You know what James Baker? Don't wait until after the elections, release that report now because I think this myth that we're in an unpopular war might be hurting the Republican's chances. (No sh*t, Sherlock)

        And that's the Word.

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