The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 122

David Schwartz

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 27, 2007 on Comedy Central
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David Schwartz
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the chief film curator of the Museum of Moving Image, David Schwartz.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Last night's presidential debate combined two of my least favourite things, democrats and MSNBC.

      • Stephen: The answer to tonight's Sudoku is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and nine, not necessarily in that order. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Film historian David Schwartz is here to talk about presidential campaign ads. My name is Stephen Colbert and I approve this guest.

      • Stephen: …the answer is tonight's Word: Early Immunization. Folks, I tell you, as soon as President Bush saw this bill he sounded the alarm.

        [Video: President Bush: The SCHIP Plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run healthcare for every American.

        Stephen: Health care for every American!? This bill is clearly a Trojan horse. And do you know what's inside that Trojan horse? (Trojan poop?) Socialized medicine! That's why President Bush has to veto it! But he is not a monster, no. (Just a ghost of his former self) Folks, he wants what's best for our children and in this case that means not giving them healthcare. (You'll feel a little pinch) Here's an example. I remember when I was a kid and had chicken pox, the doctor didn't quarantine me, he sent me to school so the other kids could be exposed and to develop an immunity. (Tactic especially popular with childless doctors) You see, folks, when you are exposed to a disease your cells create antibodies that prevent you from getting that illness again. (Why Jeb will never be elected) It's a lot like touching a hot stove, the next time you touch a hot stove it doesn't burn you. (Stephen has no fingerprints) The same thing applies to the SCHIP bill. If we really care for our kids we should deny them government health insurance now to immunize them against expecting it as adults. If we don't, when they grow up, who knows what other unrealistic things they're going to expect. (Social Security?) Now if we fund Head Start now later they'll expect education. If we fund school lunches now later they'll expect food. (Will settle for high-fructose corn syrup) Mr. President you must kill that bill, it's not just a veto, it's a vaccination. (Early immunization)

        And that's the Word.

      • Colbert: King Tut wasn't black or white. He was gold. I don't see race but I do see currency...I have a dream, a dream that someday we will live in a land where we are not judged by the color of our skin but by its carat weight...I have a dream that one day little gold children will run and play with children of baser metals. I also have a dream that I am covered in gold and buried with all my posessions in a manner befitting a ruler descended from the Gods. It is a separate dream from the other ones but it is really good. And I usually wake up with an obelisk.

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