The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 55

David Walker

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 25, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

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David Walker
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes the head of the Government Accountability Office, David Walker
Today
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Thursday
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Friday
1:35am
COMEDY
SUBMIT REVIEW

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Unfortunately there's no answer to the problem, except for tonight's Word: Sacrifice. For years folks, we heard that Americans are not being asked to sacrifice enough for this war. (Should shop seven days a week) You hear it for op-ed heads like Paul Krugman who said that the Bush administration quote: "…like waging war…but they never, ever, ask for shared sacrifice." And from left wing loons like Tom Brokaw who said: "Now the American men and women who have volunteered to fight in Iraq are drawn mostly from working class communities. They're serving for modest wages at a high price while almost nothing in the way of sacrifice is being asked of those families who have no one involved." I hate to say it, but Brokaw's right. It's not fair that low income families are bearing this burden, it's high time for some new faces to serve in the military. Very new faces. I'm talking about illegal immigrants. Hear me out. Testifying before the Armed Services Committee, Andrew Krepinovich of the Center for Strategic and Budgetary Assessments said that America should quote: "Welcome foreigners to serve in the U.S. Military in exchange for citizenship." The military needs this kind of thinking outside the box. (And outside the borders) Getting immigrants to take these jobs kills two birds with one stone. (Birds don't have body armor either)

        First it bolsters our fighting force and solves our immigration dilemma. As Lou Dobbs has pointed out, (Every night for six years) we have got 12 million illegal immigrants in our country, that's a Hell of a troop surge. (Staging area: Qatar Home Depot) And folks, we know these guys are tough, (Kicked ass at Alamo) and a recent poll found that 78% of Americans want to give illegal immigrants a path to citizenship. (A path through Baghdad) Now a lot of people are going to say: If we give immigrants a great deal like this won't the country be full of them? No, because of the stop loss program and longer and longer tours of duty they won't be back for years. (Cinco de Decades) So President Bush, let the immigrants fight our wars. Once they're in Iraq we can bring our troops home and station them on the Mexican border. (Call the "recruiters") After all immigrants are here to do the jobs most Americans aren't willing to do and right now that's serving in Iraq. (Sacrifice)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: The only reason Superman can fly is because Jesus is carrying him. Unfortunately, Jesus is also vulnerable to kryptonite.

      • Stephen (to Einstein): By the way Al, get a haircut!

      • Stephen: Relativity is just science's way of flip flopping. Space or time, mass or energy, which is it? Pick a side, we're at war.

      • Stephen: They found a new Earth-like planet, drive that Hummer all you want. This is the Colbert Report!

    • NOTES (1)

      • Do Not Say
        1. Crusade
        2. Global War Against Violent Extremism.
        3. Infinite Justice.
        4. Kiss Me or You're Fired.
        5. Struggle Against Islamic-Fascism.
        6. Last Throes.
        7. War Against Salafist Extremist Networks.
        8. Sure, I'll Help You Move.
        9. Global War on Terror.
        10. Does this Smell Bad to You?
        11. Stay the Course.
        12. Long War.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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