The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 45

Dean Kamen

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 05, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Dean Kamen
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Tonight Stephen welcomes inventor Dean Kamen.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Should the Pentagon repeal don't ask don't tell? And if they do, how will we find out about it? Then: Fox cancels 24. My following anger will occur between 11:30 and midnight. Plus my guest tonight is Segway inventor Dean Kamen who's new invention is an advanced prosthetic arm. Little late to the table Dean! Word of advice to anyone who bought an iPad: They are not dishwasher safe. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: There's a way to we can ensure the continued butchness of our armed forces, and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Bait And Snitch. Now folks, clearly don't ask don't tell's days are numbered. In the last year there have been calls to reconsider the law by everyone from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Admiral Mullen to Defense Secretary Robert Gates to Colin Powell, even Vice President Dick Cheney is open to repealing it. (Well, torturing it) And changing the law was one of President Obama's key campaign promises. (Next to "Make Glenn Beck rich") Now, there's only one thing stopping this liberal agenda: The fact that Obama is a liberal. You see, liberals question every decision that they make, (…or do they?) so as a liberal, Obama first needs to study the effects of repealing don't ask don't tell, but to study the effects he needs to know how many gays are in the military, (I'm guessing "oodles") and how the gays are feeling. (Civil rights c**kblocked) So Secretary Gates as ordered a study of how the military could accommodate openly gay service members, other than by making Cher and admiral.

        Now as part of this overall effort, Army Secretary John McHugh announced last Wednesday that he had conducted informal discussion with troops about don't ask don't tell, assuring them anything they said would be confidential because, as he told reporters: "What I'm trying to do is show the troops that, yes, it's okay to talk about this." Well, funny story. Turns out it's not okay to talk about this. It's actually against the exact law they're thinking about overturning. Who knew? (All the gay troops?) So 24 hours later McHugh backtracked saying this confidential information quote: "….could not be treated as confidential and could result in their separation under the law." Which is military jargon for: I made a mistake. (Illegal to say "I pulled a boner") So to get around this legal snafu, the Army is instead employing a third party polling company. Of course there is some concern that polling gay troops in and of itself sounds gay. But it is not. (Not if you're the Drill Sergeant) And this company will find the gays because the General in charge told the Washington Post quote they have "some pretty masterful ways of reaching out to what they call hidden groups in larger communities."

        It's like government funded hide and go seek. (Come out, come out whoever you are!)
        Now what's important is that now gay troops can tell this third party that they're gay, secure in the knowledge that that information will be perfectly safe. Because we know that whenever the military employs outside contractors, nothing goes wrong and no one tells lies. (Blackwater, Halliburton, KBR) But let's say, just for the sake of argument, through some crazy mishap, those files of all the names of everyone who's admitted they're gay somehow wind up at the Pentagon. Well, that's even better because then we can just kick them all out and repeal don't ask don't tell. Because you have to admit, once the gays are all gone, it will seem like a pretty outdated policy. (Bait and snitch)

        And that's the Word.

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