The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 79


Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 16, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the band Devo.
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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: A surprising find in Afghanistan. I hope it's Carmen Sandiego. Then: An update on Twitter. It will be short and self indulgent. And my guests Devo have a new album based on market research. I believe that means it's and album by Hannah Montana. And now the 5 day forecast: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: So clearly we need something to convince the public to stay in Afghanistan, well the answer is tonight's Word: $tay The Cour$e. Folks, I get your concerns, and so does Defense Secretary Robert Gates. He recently said: "One thing the public will not tolerate is the perception of a stalemate." Though I say there is nothing wrong with a tie as long as long as it embarrasses the English. Even Hamid Karzai is loosing patience. Reportedly Karzai has "…lost faith in the Americans to prevail in Afghanistan." Bold words! Remember, without America's protection, he would go from head of state to head on stick. (Afghani national snack) And the offensive in Kandahar is off to a slow start, we're facing stiff resistance in the south, but this week in the search for reasons to stay in Afghanistan I am happy to say we struck gold.

        [Video: Reporter: U.S. officials have discovered vast mineral wealth in Afghanistan, enough to turn the impoverished country into one of the world's most lucrative mining centers. Previously unknown deposits of iron, copper, gold and lithium are so huge they could potentially be worth a trillion dollars.]

        Stephen: Big news. For more let's turn to our minerals and commodities analyst Roger Cornsworth. Roger, what does this mean? [Stephen does old time miner voice] GOLD!!!!!! Gold I tells ya!!!! [back to normal] Thanks Roger. He's a good man, we rely on Roger for his thoughtful analysis. (Less crazy than Jim Cramer) But folks, it's not just gold. There's iron, cobalt, molybdenum, potash, phosphorus, asbestos, and mercury. The only other way to get access to that many heave metals is to buy a Chinese made baby crib. (Made by Chinese babies) According to an internal Pentagon memo, Afghanistan could soon be quote the "Saudi Arabia of lithium." Which is great, because if there's one country that needs a massive dose of lithium it's Afghanistan. Even better, lithium is a vital ingredient in cell phones and computers, so now they can stop exporting addictive opium and start exporting addictive iPium.

        So clearly we have to stay. We must not make the same mistake we made in Vietnam. (Not wearing a condom?) Remember, back in 1974, just when Americans had had it with all the bad news, a very positive report surfaces about a huge oil find off the coast of South Vietnam. Just think how history would be different if we had stayed and drilled. ("Giant oil spill devastates Vietnam") Folks, Afghanistan is about to pay off, it's like a slot machine we've been warming up for nine years. (Iraq was a crap shoot) And remember, if we leave now, China is ready to move in.

        [Video: Reporter: The known copper hoarders, being China, already own a mine in Afghanistan and surely would be happy to own ten or a hundred or a thousand more…
        Reporter 2: It may set the U.S. up against resource hungry China for influence in the region.
        Steve Doocey: China is not to far away and it is a great big country that needs a whole bunch of stuff.]

        Stephen: And Doocey knows heavy metals. Clearly he's been exposed to a lot of lead. ("We eat paint chips, you decide") Now if we just stick it out folks, this new source of wealth will make Afghanistan a stable democracy. (Margin of error: +/- one democracy) I mean when have vast mineral resources been a bad thing for a developing country? (Congo, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Paraguay, Ghana, Bolivia, Liberia, Sudan, Angola, Rwanda, Burundi, West Virginia) So lets stay, lets keep the troops in there and exploit those resources, because we can't pull out until we've achieved out objective in Afghanistan, and I'm pretty sure we went there looking for something hidden underground. (Binladium?)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

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