The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 89

Dhani Jones

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 18, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Dhani Jones
Tonight Stephen welcomes Philadelphia Eagle's linebacker and poet, Dhani Jones.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: We have to pick sides. Hey, Iran! You're behind Hezbollah, pick some allies! We have Israel. You can have Syria. And Russia. I know you guys go way back. But we get China! And India!

      • Stephen: A fight that brings us to tonight's Word: Solidarity. As in me and all my management buddies are in solidarity about hating unions. (Power from the people) I mean, what has a union ever done for anybody anyway? (End of child labor, worker safety, 40 hour work week, increased pay and benefits, Norma Rae, bowling leagues) Absolutely nothing. That's why these hospitals are trying to save these nurses the hassle of collective bargaining by giving them something they really need: (A raise?) a new title. Supervisors, because once the nurses are categorized as supervisors, they will be ineligible to join a union. And nurses, why would you want to? You're not labor anymore. (You're forced labor) There's no more of the boss man asking you to put in a little overtime this weekend, (Because no more overtime) no, you'll be the boss. (Take that, Danza!) Plus, you'll be getting all sorts of perks, you'll get a new nameplate, (No pension) new business cards, (No health insurance) and a newfound respect. (For the union you can't join)

        Now, if the National Labor Relations Board approves these forced promotions, we can make everyone in America a supervisor. (No more Secretary's Day) Now some of you are gonna ask me: Stephen, how can everyone in the country be a supervisor, there'll be no one left to supervise. (Except the Mexicans) Well folks, it's simple. The CEO will supervise the office manager, the office manager will supervise the janitor and the janitor will supervise the CEO. That way, they're all equal. (Except for pay) It's the great circle of life, like the nitrogen cycle. The cow is the economy and the workers are grass which the cow eats and digests and then the workers a pooped back onto the playing field and management is…riding the cow? The point is, you can't unionize, it'll kill the cow. But making every worker a supervisor will actually stimulate the cow. (Cattle prod) As management you're expected to have a professional looking desk, loaded with professional looking stuff. (Gilded Dilbert calendar) You've got stress balls, miniature Zen gardens and putting greens. (Skymall crap) Think of all the people this will employ. (In China) But, we can't do this alone, folks it is time for management and labor to put aside their differences and come together as management to exploit labor. (Solidarity)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: I've never been good at goodbyes, so let me try. Hello. Godd*mnit!

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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