The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 105

Dick Meyer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 13, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Dick Meyer
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Tonight Stephen welcomes social critic and author of Why We Hate Us: American Discontent in the New Millennium, Dick Meyer.
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  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (3)

    • Stephen: Tonight: Scandal hits the Department of Justice, turns out Ashcroft was lip-synching "Let the Eagle Soar" while it was sung by a less attractive Attorney General. Then: Will offshore drilling solve the energy crisis or should we wait for global warming to make everything offshore? And my guest tonight is Dick Meyer, author of the book Why We Hate Us. If by us he means him and by we he means me, I've got the answer. And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher: If you're our of milk, add water to yogurt. This is the Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: You see, Mukasey knows throwing the people responsible for this mess into jail won't fix this mess, there's a better solution and it's tonight's Word: Blame Monica Goodling. Folks, the Inspector General's office put the guilty party's name right in the title of the report: Monica Goodling. No one saw this coming. Monica Goodling was opposition researcher for George Bush's 2000 Presidential campaign, which means she dug up dirt on Democratic rivals in order to destroy them. (Dems don't need the help) Now whoever hired her had no way of knowing she would interview employees for the Justice Department as in a partisan manner. (So they told her to) Somehow Goodling got the idea to use politics in her hiring decisions without, and this is important, without any of her superiors' knowledge. (They were busy drafting torture memos) You see Goodling asked applicants questions like: What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him? (Will protect me from Cheney) Goodling also blocked the promotion of a female prosecutor because she was suspected of being a lesbian. (Too eager to serve bush) She even arraigned for a friend of Karl Rove's to replace the U.S. Attorney in Arkansas, an idea she clearly cooked up all by herself. After all, we know Karl Rove wasn't involved because he refuses to testify. (Besides, at the time, he was doing something much worse) I mean, come on, how much more of his own innocence does this man not have to provide?

      Others point the finger at Alberto Gonzales, who some think has some magical power over the Department of Justice just because his job was to lead it. (Habeus Pocus) The Inspector's report gives Alberto Gonzales an ironclad alibi, the then Attorney General was quote: "…was oblivious to what Goodling was doing." Exercising the ultimate form of impartiality: total ignorance. (Also qualified to be Defense Secretary) Now I don't think you can blame all the problems of the past seven years on Monica Goodling, she wasn't responsible the abuse at Abu Ghraib. That was Lynndie England's fault! No one in the administration gave any tacit approval for torture. And of course Lynndie England wasn't responsible for the Valerie Plame scandal, that was Valerie Plame's fault, who also sent her husband to not find evidence that Saddam Hussein was buying yellow cake uranium, so we can also blame her for there not being any WMDs. Now clearly we as a nation have lost our moral compass. Politics has becomes a shallow enterprise for narcissists, which of course if the fault of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Not to mention the diminished influence of religion in our society thanks to evolution which was the fault of Lucy. This is all of course the natural result of the fall of Man. Thanks a lot, Eve.

      So, Justice Department officials, you are off the hook. (And on FoxNews) But Attorney General Mukasey, make sure you make an example of Monica Goodling. Because while it's important we never have this kind of abuse again, it's far more important that we have someone expendable to blame. (Blame Monica Goodling)

      And that's the Word.

    • (McCain explains his lack of computer skills and his reliance on his wife for computer issues)
      Stephen Colbert: Which confirms a long standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said that a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. The last time I checked the President only needs to know how to press one button. And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer because evidently he has plagiarized from the internet. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia...McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations but those words are interchangeable just like Sunnis and Shiites. Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people which means McCain is now using the people's voice or at least lip syncing to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of Foreign Policy information, Joe Lieberman. (clip of Lieberman correcting McCain) Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

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