The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 157

Doris Kearns Goodwin

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 13, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Doris Kearns Goodwin
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Tonight Stephen welcomes historian and author of Team of Rivals, The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, Doris Kearns Goodwin.

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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: It's a Small World. These days danger is always at the border, (Looking at you Taco Bell) and we've had to heighten security and that's made visa and entry processes more vigorous. And evidently many foreigners don't like being strip searched in airport waiting rooms. (Lips say "No" but racial profile says "Yes") Luckily the Department of Homeland Security has come up with this magical solution: "…The U.S. government is turning to Walt Disney… to brighten the country's battered image." Yes, with the help of the Walt Disney Company the U.S. entry process will undergo a thorough re-thinking. (Re-Imagineering) It is perfect. Disney's got plenty of experience at its theme parks making long waits seem bearable. (Give you time to save $7 ice cream) All they've got to do is unleash a little Disney magic and, Bippity-Boppity-Boo, those dingy airports will be transformed into something beautiful. (Don't fly after midnight on Pumpkin Air) And to speed up those lines they can simplify the whole screening process. ("You must be this white to enter")

        But we shouldn't limit this Dineyfication to just our airports, the House of Mouse can do so much more. The world's a scary place these days and who's got a better track record of sanitizing the unpleasant. (Tony Snow) In the original Little Mermaid she doesn't live happily ever after with her prince under the sea, she kills herself because walking feels like having knives thrust into her new feet. (And seashell bra pinches like a mother) In the traditional Cinderella, the step-sisters feet actually fit into Cinderella's shoes because they lop off their toes. (Spoiler alert: Plot of Saw 4) And at the end of the real Snow White the wicked queen is forced to wear red hot shoes and dance until she dies. (Clearly, Brothers Grimm had foot fetish) Now if Disney can do that for fiction imagine what they could do for reality. (Existenceland) They could turn Iraqi into a theme park, Abu Ghraib could be the Haunted Mansion. Hey, Iraq's already in the desert, we could just give it an Aladdin theme. We just need an ancient genie who fixes things, [James Baker] and we'll have to find a talking parrot. [Tony Blair] And as for our embattled President all we'll have to do is clap our hands and believe in him. (And his poll numbers will live again) And we can forget about Hillary and McCain, next time we can choose from the whole Hall of Presidents. [Lincoln/Kennedy '08]

        Yes Disney's magic brings out the kid in all of us and there's no better time to be a kid than now. Because being a child means not having to worry about the consequences of your actions. ("Let's play pre-emptive military strike!" And once we give all of reality to Disney we can stop worrying about the world and finally put our minds to rest. (Sleeping Beauties)

        And that's the Word.

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