Guest, Colorado's 1st district's Congresswoman
The Word: Cut and Run
Stephen: It's a matter of public record that I am a ravenous collector of the state quarters. But what you might not know is that I celebrate the release of each new quarter by visiting the state and experiencing whatever is depicted on the back. For example, when they released the Nebraska quarter, I went to Chimney Rock. For Georgia, I dined on peaches. And for Massachusetts, I shot an English guy with a musket.
Stephen: This is The Colbert Report. Or, for our foreign viewers, THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT!
Stephen: We're out of the World Cup. See you in the next World War, bitches!
Stephen: Denver is the 'mile high city'.
Diana DeGette: It's called the 'mile high city' because it's a mile above sea level.
Stephen: OK, and are you a member of the Mile High Club?
Diana DeGette: No.
Stephen: No? If you'd like to be a member of the Mile High Club, I can hook you up with some people.
Diana DeGette: Well, get me the application and I'll see what the requirements are.
Stephen: OK, I think they're pretty simple.
Stephen: Now, it's no secret that Stephen Hawking has always been my least favorite theoretical physicist. I'm a Heisenberg fan. Now first of all, I already know how time began, Mr. Hawking. God said "Let there be time". THAT's a brief history.
Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Cut and Run. Come on Professor Hawking, go to Mars? What kind of crackpot proposes something like that? Once again scientists are dreaming too big. (Didn't learn from Jurassic Park) Dream smaller scientists, dream about something practical, something we can use, like making packing tape made stronger by putting string in it. (String theory) Professor Panic says we've gotta make plans to leave Earth because of threats like global warming, nuclear war and genetically engineered viruses. (And gay marriage) Well, cutting and running sends the planet the wrong message. ("Oops") It just sets a timetable for departure, and that'll make Earth think it can win if it just waits us out. (Has all the time in the world) It will embolden the planet, (Gaia gone wild) we have to be prepared for a long hard slog. (Through the jungles of Antarctica) Listen, we've gotta fight back. If nature comes at us with global warming we'll just build more air conditioners. (Let freon ring) If we lose all clean drinking water, we'll drink more Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. (Aaahh…pocalypse) Plus, leaving the planet is not what God wants. (It's what Richard Branson wants) Folks, the Bible makes it very clear, God gave man dominion over every living thing on Earth, and Earth only. It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Zarlock! (Temped by Serpentron XV-33M) We've got to stick it out until the job is done. And how will we know when the job is done? When Jesus comes back, last time I checked He hadn't come back. (Hasn't disturbed Stephen's trap) What if Jesus returns on his cloud of glory and everyone is gone? (Must walk beach alone) I'm sorry, folks, that's just rude. We have an appointment. (Just don't know the hour or the day) Nope, I'm staying here with my friend Dan Henninger. There is no disaster big enough to make us want to leave the planet, unless the House gets taken back by the Democrats. (Cut and runners) Then, red staters, off to the red planet.
And that's the Word
Better Know A District: Colorado's 1st district.
User Score: 584
User Score: 11619
User Score: 2804
User Score: 580
User Score: 360
User Score: 300
User Score: 295
User Score: 223
User Score: 190
User Score: 166
User Score: 121
User Score: 95
User Score: 83
User Score: 78
User Score: 73
User Score: 69
User Score: 41
User Score: 24
User Score: 22
User Score: 21