The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 97

Dr. Aaron Carroll.

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 21, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes assistant professor of Pediatrics at the Indiana University School of Medicine, Dr. Aaron Carroll.
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    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Tonight: Should we investigate the Bush administration on torture? Right after we get to the bottom of Obama's birth certificate. Then: My investigation of ACORN. I will be the mighty oak. And my guest Dr. Aaron Carroll says our health care system should be single payer. Fine. How about him? It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye, then the game becomes find the eye. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Nation, these investigations are a Pandora's Box and the subject of tonight's Word: A Perfect World. Now folks, in theory the only way to make sure our country doesn't torture is to punish the people who approved it. (The producers of 24) But if the Obama administration investigates the Bush administration we all know what it would be.

        [Video: Bill O'Reilly: A witch hunt surrounding the Bush administrations anti-terror policies...
        Bill Sammon: They can get on with their show trials and their witch hunts...
        Steve Doocey: What would happen in Washington would essentially be a witch hunt...]

        Stephen: And what is worse than a witch hunt? (Electrodes on your nads) NBC News political director Chuck Todd knows.

        [Video: Chuck Todd: Frankly this feels like a political food fight now, Vice President Cheney on one side, President Obama on the other...]

        Stephen: Yes! Investigating prisoner abuse might be a legal and moral imperative but it would be a food fight, and that would be way messier than torture. (Though both end in detention) Especially when you're in a food fight with Dick Cheney, who knows what that guy eats. (The Constitution) Now some journalists just don't get it, like Salon's Glenn Greenwald who gave Chuck Todd a severe word boarding.

        [Audio: Glenn Greenwald: Isn't the best thing to do to...say to a prosecutor...Were crime committed...have this be treated like every other accusation of crime?
        Chuck Todd: Glenn, in a perfect world, yes...if you could guarantee me that we could keep this debate off of television.]

        Stephen: Yeah! NBC News political director Chuck Todd and I know that in a perfect world we wouldn't debate the news on this that he and I debate the news on for a living. But we do, and we would turn this investigate into a partisan show trial, we couldn't help ourselves. You think I'm happy that I've already created this graphic? Eric Holder's Show Trial By Fire: Which Witch is Which? I actually am kind of happy. And that is so sad because it is killing our nation. (That, and texting while driving) Now in a perfect world wouldn't journalists like me and Chuck Todd and Steve Doocey demand to investigate? (Doocey's a journalist?!) Yes! But it is not a perfect world and we know it's not, because we tortured and we're not going to investigate. (A perfect world)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Remember, the opinions expressed on this program are exclusively my own. The chip in my head only makes suggestions.

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