The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 26

Dr. Craig Venter

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 27, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Dr. Craig Venter
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the founder of The J. Craig Venter Institute, Dr. Craig Venter

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    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Recoil. Folks, Jim Zumbo picked a fight with the wrong people. (People with assault rifles) As soon as he published his little opinion hunters put the pressure on and Zumbo's career was shot down faster that you can say "pull." Within a week he lost all of his endorsements and his job at Outdoor Life. Mr. Zumbo tried to make nice, wrote an apology, reminded people he was a long time member of the NRA and even enlisted the help of Motor City Madman and assault rifle enthusiast Ted Nugent. (A cat scratch favor) But folks he was too late. Outdoor magazine "accepted" (Demanded) "his resignation." ("You're fired) In explaining the decision editor in chief Todd W. Smith wrote that quote: "We respect Mr. Zumbo's First Amendment right to free speech…however…" Nation, there are no words that capture the spirit of freedom better than: We respect your First Amendment right to free speech, however. Why isn't "however" in the Constitution? (Or at least "Howe'er) Anyway Smith goes on to say: "Outdoor Life has always been…a steadfast supporter of…our Second Amendment rights." As am I! The Second Amendment beats the First. It's like rock, paper, scissors. First Amendment is paper, Second Amendment is scissors, rock is the Fourth Amendment the protection against unreasonable search and seizures, we don't need that anymore. So scissors always wins! And what exactly does scissors say? The Second Amendment states that: "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." And what the founders clearly meant by "a well regulated militia" is that I get to hunt squirrel with a Patriot missile. (Acorns=WMD)

        Outdoor Life went on to explain just how wrong Mr. Zumbo was for singling out assault rifles. After all, Second Amendment rights quote: "…do not make distinctions based on the appearance of the firearms we choose to own, shoot or hunt with." Jim Zumbo is making distinctions between guns based on their appearance. What they look like! You know what I call that!? (Project gunway?) I call that discrimination! This isn't just a gun rights issue, this is a guns rights issue! (Affirmative trigger action) We shouldn't judge our assault weapons on appearance but on what's inside them. (Copkiller bullets) Our semi-automatic weapons are hurting, I know. Mine whisper to me late at night, you would not believe the things they tell me to do. (Told him to buy JetBlue) Thank God for the brave people who ruined Jim Zumbo's career. But if we're going to protect our guns rights we have to be eternally vigilant. (Or vigilantes) It is only when no one feels safe to express a negative opinion about assault rifles that Americans will truly be secure.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: A portion of tonight's show has been recorded in frequencies only dogs can hear. (mouths) This is the Colbert Report.

    • NOTES (1)

      • When going through Al Gore's garbage, Stephen found Iron Maiden tickets, and he commented on having to support them because Halford is gay. Rob Halford is the singer for Judas Priest not Iron Maiden.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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