Stephen Colbert: I believe that the owner's manuals should come from the manufacturers. That's why when I need to find out about health I go to the bible. It tells me how to live my life, how to stay away from lepers and unclean acts, how to make my bread.
Stephen Colbert: The next red menace...China! They've already outpaced American in production of poisonous toys and border fences. Now, they've surpassed us at our greatest export: pollution. How did we fall behind? We've been doing everything right. Refusing to sign the Kyoto Protocol, pressuring scientists to call global warming a theory…
Dr. Mehmet C. Oz: It turns out that if you are able to have more sex, you will live longer…the average American male has sex once a week…Now, if you can double that, then your life expectancy increases by about three years…The same data is not true for women because for women, it's not the quantity, it's the quality…
Dr. Mehmet C. Oz: For men, the penis is actually your dipstick for health.
Stephen Colbert: Belarus is a human rights violating dictatorship and not the good kind that supplies us with oil. No! It's the bad kind that expels our diplomats after we threaten them with sanctions over their treatment of political prisoners. Listen, Belaruskis, the only detainees who should be mistreated in your country are the ones the CIA sends there in our secret prisons.
Stephen Colbert: Now everybody knows the number one rule when you appear on Meet the Press is to appeal to the issues Tim Russert cares about, specifically his father, Big Russ. (shows clip where McAuliffe intimates Russert's father is dead and Russert responds that, "Big Russ is in the barcolounger still watching this.") Yes, it turns out Russert's father is still alive but folks that was no slip of the tongue. The Clintons play hard ball, Tim. It was a thinly veiled threat against your dad. You take it easy on Hillary or Big Russ will be sipping scotch in heaven.
Stephen Colbert: Yesterday, of course, was Mother's day and I had a great one. Did what I do every year. I put on a wig and a dress and got a free mimosa with brunch. Then, went home, watched Psycho. Tradition.
Stephen Colbert: Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. I say why not both? This is the Threat Down. Threat number 5: airlines. Now, I've always been suspicious of the aeroplane…Well, now to conserve jet fuel, airlines are flying their planes slower, claiming that most travelers will not notice the few minutes added to the flight. I say they are stealing our precious vacation time…Threat number 4: women's softball…the softball softies cost themselves the game. Women are a threat to sport. They get a chance to seal victory and it turns into some kind of slumber party. I wouldn't be surprised if those girls picked up the bases and used them to start a pillow fight, although that could be awesome. If a guy crumples to the ground at first place, the other team would do the sportsmanlike thing and cleat him in the groin. These women are trying to change the very nature of competition…Sports already does good for people. It is the last socially acceptable place to express violence and blind regional hatred. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Go team that lives near me. Destroy that team from a nearby town. My team is the best team and always will be the best until I move. Threat number 3: keyboards. A study by British microbiologist found that computer keyboards contain five times the germs of a toilet seat…Threat number deuce: Isabella Rosselini who is starring in Green Porno…and folks it is even freakier than you think…and the Number one threat facing America: bears! (shows baby bear)…it's huga-horrible!
Stephen Colbert: Nation, if you listen to the mainstream media, the Cold War ended with the fall of the Berlin Wall. But I say the Cold War continues as long a there are any walls in Berlin. If you got nothing to hide, comrade, why not just floors and ceilings?
4: Women's Softball
2: Isabella Rossellini
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