The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 48

Dr. Richard Land

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 12, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Dr. Richard Land
Tonight Stephen welcomes the President of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission & Author of The Divided States of America?: What Liberals and Conservatives Are Missing in the God-And-Country Shouting Match, Dr. Richard Land.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: My guest tonight says America is going through another great awakening. I'll ask him why liberals keep hitting the snooze button.

      • Stephen: Welcome to the monkey house. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: The president wants to appoint a war czar. It's a two year position, although it could be extended indefinitely.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Body Armor. President Bush used to have Donald Rumsfeld and a Republican Congress to take some of the heat, but they're gone. (To giant lobbying firm in the sky) So the President needs someone new up on point. According to the Washington Post, the President is seeking candidates for a brand new position they're calling the War Czar. The Czar would coordinate between State and Defense Departments, oversee operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, one assumes, keep an eye on Rasputin. I don't trust that guy. The Czar position is crucial, as National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley put it quote: "While we've had plans and due dates and stoplight chards, what we need is someone with a lot of stature within the government who can make things happen." Exactly! If only the Constitution provided for some kind of chief commander, or commanderous chief who could command chiefly these wars. But unfortunately all the Constitution provides for is a War President. [Video: Bush: I'm a war President] Not enough evidently. That's why we need a War Czar, it's worked before. Just look at the war on drugs. (Dude, what if the war looked at you?) Back in the 80s President Reagan appointed the first Drug Czar Bill Bennett in 1988 and now drugs are all gone. (Down Rush Limbaugh's throat) Plus the Czar isn't hampered by democracy, he doesn't need the support of the people like the President does. (All 36%) That's why there should be more autocratic rulers in the government. (Besides Cheney) President Bush should appoint a Marquis de Tax Cuts, a Sultan of the Interior, a Pharaoh of Securities and Exchange, a new nobility who can carry out President Bush's policies and in exchange get some of the credit. (a.k.a. All of the blame)

        But first we need a war czar. Three former Generals have already turned the position down. Here's what one of them, former top NATO Commander Jack Sheehan said about the offer, quote: "The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going." Hey, General Plans-a lot! War is not about the destination, it's about the journey. (Stop and smell the roadside bombs) But I'm glad these Generals didn't take the job, it gives me a chance to play headhunter for the President. (Cheney=facehunter) Mr. Bush, I have got the perfect guy. He's authoritative, understands your strategy, knows the political landscape, and best of all I happen to know he's looking for a job: Donald Rumsfeld. At least sir, he is a known known, and he'll understand why a war Czar is useful. (Body armor)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (2)

      • Say Anything

        Tad trying to attract a female eagle by playing a 'romantic' song from a boombox held above his head is reminiscent of a scene with John Cusack in the 1989 movie Say Anything.

      • Stephen: Welcome to the monkey house.

        "Welcome to the Monkey House" is the title of a book of short stories by Kurt Vonnegut, published in 1968. Stephen is indirectly giving a nod to Vonnegut whose death was announced on the day this episode aired.

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