Stephen: Tonight: Congress passes a renewable energy bill. Well, they've certainly renewed my anger. Then: Deleted scenes from my trip to Iraq. Ultimately we felt the romantic subplot slowed down the action. And my guest climber Ed Viesters has scaled 14 of the world's highest peaks, but I'd like to see him try to scale my ego. Next week it's reruns. I'll still be here doing the shows but the cameras are on vacation. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: But folks, unfortunately there is a terrible consequence of agreeing the Earth is in peril, people expect you to do something about it, which bring us to tonight's Word: Ban de Soleil. Nation, I'm never happy when Congress is in session. For one, it bumps by favorite C-Span show, I'm A C-Span Host, Get Me Out Of Here, where 12 C-Span hosts are forced to endure working as C-Span hosts. For another Congress sometimes make laws, (With bonus handgun legislation!) and last Friday the House passed a bill that will destroy our way of life as we know it under the flimsy excuse of saving life as we know it. It's called The American Clean Energy and Security Act, but on the House floor Friday minority leader John Boehner had a better name for it: …"this pile of s**t." That is poetry. (There once was a douche from Ohio…) Now folks this climate change bill has terrible implications:
[Video: Representative: This is not an energy bill, it is a tax bill, they're going tax the air you breathe….
Rep: Ted Poe: The energy companies, they will pass that tax onto consumers…
Rep. Tom Price: This national energy tax will force many business to outsource jobs overseas.
Rep. Wally Herger: This national energy tax is a job killer…
Rep: Shelley Moore Capito: This is a jobs killer…
Rep. Paul Brolin: This bill is going to kill millions of jobs in America.]
Stephen: Exactly! If this plan works think of all the lifeguard jobs this will kill on the future beaches of Kansas. (Baywatch: Topeka) The point is preserving our planet should not entail sacrifice. I mean we've been carrying on two wars for 6 years without having to give up so much as an iPhone app. (iCouldcareless) Now brace yourself for what the annual cost of this bill would be for the average American household by 2020.
[Video: Pundit: The Congressional Budget Office said it was $175…]
Stephen: $175!!!Do you know what you can do with that kind of money!? (Fill up your Escalade twice) Folks they cannot ask us to make sacrifices that big. That's almost as outrageous as when the asked us to make sacrifices this small.
[Video: Sean Hannity: And tonight's meltdown is brought to you by Energy Secretary Stephen Chu….He used his address yesterday to discuss the need for everybody to, pay attention, paint their rooftops white in order to offset the effects of global warming. No, really, ladies and gentleman you need to get out your paintbrushes and start painting.]
Stephen: Offering a solution that doesn't involve the government and you can do in an afternoon!? That Nobel Laureate is an idiot. (Nobel puh-leeze prize) Now clearly the most important step in saving a planet hurtling towards doom is finding the elusive sweet spot for our response. Professor Boehner?
[Video: John Boehner: There's clearly been change in our climate. The question is how much does man have…to do with it.]
Stephen: Exactly. If man has nothing to do with it, why should man sacrifice to…to fix it. I say the perfect about is someone else's. Well brace yourself, and ask yourself, what is the source of all our heat? (Megan Fox?) That's right, nation, it is time to put out the sun. It is a dangerous unchecked nuclear power in our neighborhood. (Beatles tried to warn us) Oh, of course I can hear the naysayers: Sure Stpehen putting out the sun would solve the problem, but that's super hard. Is it? (Not at night) The sun is just a big ball of fire folks, you know what puts out fires? (In New Haven, not black people) Fire extinguishers. Okay, and what are they filled with? (Probably corn) Carbon dioxide. That's right, we shouldn't be decreasing our production of CO2, we should be increasing it. So for every breath you take in, breathe out twice. If we make enough CO2 it will waft into the sky and finally snuff out that homicidal son of a bitch. (Bitch-of-a-sun) Do it for the kids, do it for the planet, but mostly do it so we don't have to stop doing anything we're doing now. (Ban de Soliel) And that's the Word.
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