The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 18

Eliot Spitzer

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 02, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Eliot Spitzer
Tonight Stephen welcomes the former New York Governor and current columnist for, Eliot Spitzer. Also, Stephen talks with Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Henry Allen about the passing of J.D. Salinger.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: A new website takes social networking to the next level. Don't worry, you still won't have to leave your parent's basement. Then: My tribute to author J.D. Salinger, featuring the world premiere of the J.D. Salinger dancers. And my guest Eliot Spitzer is happy to see Obama getting tough on Wall Street. I bet he's pretty stoked about that Tiger Woods business. Happy Black History Month to all my black viewer. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Since you know everything I do, everything I do is important, therefore my life has meaning. I only wish everybody's did, luckily now it can, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Cognoscor Ergo Sum. I am known, therefore I am. It's natural to want to be known by other people, in fact the Bible says this about the coming kingdom of God: "Now wee see as through a glass darkly…But when I shall know even as I am known." The point is in Heaven everyone is a celebrity. (Hell is a VH-1 reality show) Thankfully folks, just like us celebrities, ordinary people can publicize their lives in minute detail thanks to social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter. (What's MySpace?) Which reminds me, I forgot to Tweet that I'm doing the Word. OMG, Word going great. Best audience ever. Also, easily manipulated. (Use Verizon wireless)

        Now unfortunately sometimes I have to interrupt my tweeting, sexting and inbetwexting to buy or eat things, but now there's a way to do it all, (Have your cake and tweet it too) and it's all thanks to, a revolutionary new site that let's you register your credit card online then every purchase you make is automatically posted on blippy. And the posts, or…uh,blips? Bloops? Bleeps? Make riveting readings. Let's see, someone named herchenroder spent $10.94 at Wendy's, pud spent $149.97 at something called Serepath direct marketing, scottelkin spent $7.68 at Panda Express. Wow! This is more exciting that going through old receipts. It's going through new receipts! (The cutting edge of boring) But folks, just as great as blippy is, it only cover's one aspect of your life. (Or your identity thief's life) But we know that you're more than just a collection of purchases, you also have sex. (Sometimes with your purchases) Thankfully there is also a site called where a map shows the locations in the world where people just had sex. Presumably so you can avoid those places. (Until they're Purell-ed) Now unfortunately limits your choices to one of six positions and four locations, indoor, outdoor, on a boat or in a car. I'm sorry, I've eaten green eggs and ham in more locations than that, if you know what I mean.

        But just shopping and sex, surely we can be more invasive than that. How about a site that tweets when you crap? (creepy) Or to make sure people know how often you're checking how often people are checking your posts, you'll want to sign up for checky, which generates a new post every time you check to see who's checking your checky. (Your checkmates) Or better yet folks, we can combine them into one site called knowny, which records every interaction, every movement of every person on Earth and posts them online like a storm of random data points that shouts out to the blind and indifferent universe: We exist! We exist! Please! Please let this mean something! Then we'll be full known, except for who we really are, because that's kind of personal. (Cognoscor ergo sum)

        And that's the Word.

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