The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 15

Emily Yoffe

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 01, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Emily Yoffe
AIRED:
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of What the Dog Did: Tales from a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner, Emily Yoffe!

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Emily Yoffe

Emily Yoffe

Guest

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David Cross

David Cross

Russ Lieber

Recurring Role

Eric Drysdale

Eric Drysdale

Bobby (uncredited)

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (2)

    • Russ: A higher minimum wage, brings workers to a higher stage!

    • Stephen: ... which brings us to tonight's word: You're Welcome. You American workers haven't seen an increase in real wages since the 1970's. ("Happy Days" are here again) You're working longer hours for the same pay, sometimes two jobs with no benefits. But are you rioting? (Dilbert is a riot) No. You're voting for Republican candidates who give people like me tax cuts. And you know what? I think that's you're way of saying thank you. (You shouldn't have) In reality we should be thanking you. (But we aren't) This is Superbowl weekend, Superbowl Sunday (Nacho madness) and you the working man are our country's offensive line. You get pushed down there into the mud (Mud=Sh*t) while the star players, the corporations like Exxon are racking up the points, posting the highest quarterly profits in U.S. history. (Touchdown!) You, the mighty cogs, hear about it on the radio driving to a job that doesn't pay for the gas Exxon sells you, (But free cookie bouquets) or give you medical coverage for the health complications you get breathing the gas and those gas fumes. (Super premium lung)

      In every other Western country, mobs have demanded national health care. Jibber jabbering about how "my child should be able to go to a doctor." (Good news kids, no needles!) You know that money is needed to fix the country. (Of Iraq) Thanks to a trillion dollars of your money, Iraqi's will have the same privileges that you enjoy. (An elected Theocracy) When you hear all that falderal about disappearing pensions and 401(k) debacles you stay focused on the things that affect you most: Gay Marriage. (It's coming, Scotts Bluff, Nebraska) I've written a poem, to celebrate your sacrifice called "Poem for the American Worker." "Arise (Get up) ye sinewy titans of the rivet strewn factory floor. (Workers) Arise and accept your present circumstances, ye whose bulging backs bear the ballast of the American Dream. (You work hard) Unite! Unite until it is no longer convenient. Raise thy fist to the sky, then lower it and raise it again in a smooth continuous motion. (Your guess is a good as mine) Shake loose thy chains, (Free yourselves!) but only if thou works in a chain factory, which you probably don't. (Chainmaking now mostly in China) For yea brothers, only together can we maintain or increase productivity." And it goes on from there for 12 more quatrains.

      The point is, I am here to tell you that your sacrifice will be rewarded. (With more sacrifice) Because if you keep sacrificing your benefits long enough, and if your wages get low enough, we'll get the jobs back from China. And let me be the first to say: You're Welcome.

      And that's the Word.

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