The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 96

Eric Roston

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 29, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen welcomes Eric Roston, author of The Carbon Age: How Life's Core Element Has Become Civilization's Greatest Threat.

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: There are new guidelines for C.I.A. interrogators, but you'll never get them out of me. Plus, I sit down with Eric Roston who has written a book on CO2 emissions. I'll cut our interview's emissions in half by not letting him talk. Then I'm moving on up to the east side for deluxe profile of New York's 14th district. I always give 110% so the way I see it somebody owes me a 10% refund. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Now some people out there call this torture, luckily the Bush administration doesn't, which brings us to tonight's Word: Honest Belief: Folks, I believe the most brutal perpetrators of torture are the ACLU. Need proof? They recently coerced secret information out of the Bush administration, specifically a torture memo written by the Justice Department in August, 2002. It is a real page turner, in that you have to turn a lot of pages to get to the ones that haven't been redacted. It says an interrogated cannot be prosecuted for torture if he acted with quote: "…an honest belief that his actions will not result in severe pain or suffering." This proves the administration does respect human rights, the human rights of interrogators. (Guaranteed 40-hour torture week) Little known fact: torture is illegal. (Not little known enough for Cheney) And folks, our interrogators need assurance that they not going to end up in prison over some obscure legal loophole. (The Constitution) This memo protects them by saying torture is all in the eye of the beholder. (Water's up nose of detainee)

        After all enemy combatants can't judge if they've been tortured, they don't have law degrees. (Another reason Jewish mothers don't like them) That's why I say that this memo is good news for everyone. (Especially Murphy's Waterboards Warehouse) You see, it ends torture by helping people believe they've never done it, (Or ordered it) but you know, that is actually harder that it sounds. (So is standing on one foot for 23 hours) So I say to any aspiring interrogators our there here's some pointers: screaming can indicate severe pain. If you hear it, crank up your iPod. (Try "Hit Me With You Best Shot") Also, try putting your detainee in a costume. I don't care what his face looks like, if it's surrounded by a bumblebee costume, he's having fun. Now if your "honest belief" is wavering, just remember what the President said.

        [Video: President Bush: The United States does not torture.]

        Stephen: So, by definition, anything you do is not torture, so I say go Medieval. (Also administration science policy) And do not worry if it's unreasonable to honestly believe you're not inflicting severe pain, because the Bush administration memo says you're quote: "…and honest belief need not be reasonable…" Now, if you think you're still torturing, truth is enhanced interrogation is not for everyone. (Also terrible summer internship) Luckily there are plenty of people willing to save America by honestly believing the unreasonable. (See: Gas Tax Holiday) And some of them will be looking for jobs come January 20th. [Bush & Cheney]

        And that's the Word.

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