The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 74

Eric Schlosser

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 03, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-producer of the documentary Food, Inc. Eric Schlosser.
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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: The California courts allow some gay couples to stay married. Wait a second, half of straight couples don't get to do that. Then: President Obama invites Iran to celebrate the Fourth of July. We know they're trying to acquire nuclear bottle rockets. And my guest Eric Schlosser has made a documentary about where our fast food comes from. Turns out most of our burgers are 30% Grimace. I cannot tell a lie. I prefer to tell them in packs of three. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Separate but equal is not a fair solution, so let's just concentrate on the separate, which brings us to tonight's Word: I Do, You Don't. Now folks, a lot of people are complaining that in addition to upholding Prop 8, the California Supreme Court ruled the 18,000 gay marriages performed when it was legal are still valid. So now in California there aren't just two classes of partnership, there are three. (Charlie Sheen's tried them all) Heterosexuals get straight marriage (aka "Opposite marriage") with all that marriage implies: weddings, gifts and rampant sexual congress that God smiles upon because you're doing it the way he likes. (Goddy-style) Then there's domestic partnership which gives gay couples most of the same benefits, just with a different name. It's like buying the store brand cereal of marriage. And now thanks to this new ruling, there are also gay marriages that are grandfathered in. ("Heather has four grandpas") But it turns out you can't get them anymore which makes them collectors items. (Oppress 'em all!) Well folks, I say if we really want to make things fair the real answer is not to make all marriages equal, it's to create so many separate kinds of marriage the gays don't feel singled out.

        For example, God defines marriage as between a man and a woman for procreation. (Also the definition of wine coolers) But some straight couples don't have children, so I say that's not marriage. Let's call it a non-parent union. They can have all the benefits of marriage but they're not allowed to go see Up. Next: while traditionally you ladies are expected to be virgins until you're magical wedding night. (Till then, befriend cartoon birds and deer) But, c'mon, let's face it, some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow. You're more like the grey slush that gets plowed in an Arby's parking lot. (Got the big been 'n cheddar) So we'll call those marriages something else. (Marriages with enjoyable wedding nights?) Then there's straight marriage where one of the partners is obviously gay. (Registered at "Bed, Bath and Closet") You can tell because the only person crying is grandma. (And the best man) See, it's easy. We can just keep creating categories until every relationship in America has its own unique definition. Then gay couples won't be equal, but they won't be the only ones separate. (I do, you don't)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

      • Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
        Wag: President Obama
        Tip: Craig T. Nelson
        Wag: General Motors
        Tip: Unemployed Robots
        Tip: The tank from Tiananmen Square

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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