The Colbert Report

Season 8 Episode 19

Father Jim Martin

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 09, 2011 on Comedy Central
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Father Jim Martin
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Jesuit priest and author of Between Heavan and Mirth: Why Joy, Humor, and Laughter Are at the Heart of the Spiritual Life, Father Jim Martin.

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      • Stephen: Thankfully one state has found a way to act as a big brother to our kids without becoming Big Brother, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Bully Pulpit. Folks, the state of Michigan just passed Matt's Safe School Law named after teenage Matt Epling who tragically committed suicide in 2002 after being tormented by classmates for being gay. It requires every public school adopt and implement a policy prohibiting bullying by pupils at school. Now this sound like a just and fitting tribute to an innocent victim, but Gary Glenn, President of the American Family Association of Michigan, told Time magazine what this really is: "...a Trojan horse for the homosexual agenda." Oh yes, it is well known that the homosexual agenda is just an insidious plot to keep gay teenagers from dying, and that Trojans were really gay. (Helen was a total beard) And folks, this law clearly associates being anti-bully with beign pro-gay. (Or at least amateur gay) And I believe that violates the free speech of Christians who are simply trying to follow Leviticus. "If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death. Leviticus 20:13." That's not me, that's God. The all knowing, all loving Creator who made all things and hates some of them. (Hell = tough love) But under these anti-bullying laws, if a Christian jock yelled "You're damned to Hell ya queer" he could get suspended and miss the big game. Then he won't get to tackle all those sweaty guys in the tight pants. (Rainbow flag on the play)

        Thank goodness Michigan senate Republicans stepped in, pants that law, and stuffed it in a locker by adding an exemption that states "This sections does not prohibit a statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction..." No, that's to complicated. Tell 'em what it means, news dork.

        [Video: Reporter: The bill also gives students licence to bully based on religious beliefs.]

        Stehen: Ha, ha, nice report lesbo. [crosses himself] The point is bullying is just fine as long as you have a permission slip from God. (Or can forge a Burning Bush) Now with this amendment to the law, if you're a Michigan Christian teenager giving a gay kid a swirly, you can just say it's a baptism. (The John, the Baptist) After all, if you read the Bible, you know Jesus was a bully. (Jesus shoves you!) I mean, remember, He through the money lenders out of the temple because they were the mathletes. (And took their lunch gold) I mean, just look at Him in the cafeteria, hanging out at the cool kids table, oh no, there's only room for these 12 guys, go sit somewhere else you Pharases, even though there's clearly tons of space on the other side of the table. By the way, Christian teens do not have to restict thier righteous bullying to gays. (See also: women) Accoring to the Book of Leviticus they should also torment thier classmates have tattoos (Leviticus 19:28) wear clothing woven of two different materials, (Leviticus 19:19) or are girls in the time of thier menstrual impurity (Leviticus 15:25). And don't just bully the girls, bully anyone who touches them for they are unclean. (Leviticus 15:19) And they remain unclean until the girl gives the principal two turtles or two young pigeons (Leviticus 15:29) to be sacrificed.

        Obviously we're talking about Christians here. We can't have Hindus, Jews and Muslins bullying us about having burgers, bacon and booze. (Mmmm, a booze bacon burger) As I see it folks, there's only one problem with this amendment, it also allows bullying based on sincerely held moral conviction, And there may be some out there who are convinced that by inserting into a law written to prevent the suicides of tormented gay children an amendment that justifies that cruelty by appealing to God, these Republican senators are being immoral. (Hypochristians) And I just worry that next November, those voters might pick on them. (Bully pulpit)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Tonight: More on Herman Cain. I may be the only American left who hasn't signed a non-disclosure agreement. Then: I say goodbye to a beloved desert. I thought Twinkees lasted forever. And my guest Father Jim Martin has written about about humor and laughter being the key to a spiritual life. I love Jesus' knock-knock miracles. Italian debt threatens to swallow the Eurozone, I knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks. This is the Colbert Report.

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