The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 56


Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 28, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen welcomes singer/songwriter Feist.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen Colbert: I'm concerned [about global warming] because people won't shut up about it. We solved the energy crisis. The answer was ethanol. Corn plus magic equals gasoline. But folks, leave it to the British to rain on our petrol parade.

      • Stephen Colbert: Wow, I had no idea John Kerry was so electable in 2004. I guess I was confused by him not getting elected. Well, whatever "electability" means, we know the candidates got to have it or else they will turn out like this clown [Howard Dean], who, on the other hand, clearly knows how the democrats can win this one.

      • Stephen: Tonight ethanol solves the energy crisis. Is there any problem alcohol can't solve? Plus I'll explore the world of sports. Don't worry, no hockey. And my guest tonight is Feist. And for anyone over 50, Nightline is also on. A great man once said: This is the Colbert Report. Wait, that was me! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Kernel of Truth. Now last September Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a global conference that nations must fight climate change like they fight terrorism. That means we're at war folks! And we know from the Bush administration that when there's war the American people are called upon to not sacrifice. (Shop till out enemies drop) Now one of the best ways to not sacrifice is with ethanol, because ethanol makes us feel like the energy crisis has been solved and allows us to keep living the way we always have, in our cars.

        [Video: Various commercials: Instead of running on oil fuels you can get fuel from American cornfields. A fuel that lowers greenhouse gas emissions and can reduce our dependence on oil. Ethanol, good for your car, good for the environment and good for America.]

        Stephen: If they put it in a commercial it has to be true! (So beautiful local girls are waiting for my call?) You see folks, the great thing about ethanol is not only do we not have to sacrifice, neither do the oil companies, because to get 100 gallons of ethanol you have to burn 129 gallons of fossil fuels. (Cornhole in the ozone) We can break our addiction to fossil fuels without sacrificing our dependence on fossil fuels. (Have your cake & eat oil, too) But now some claim saving the planet will take more than Americans changing from high octane to creamed corn. (Corn on the Saab) People like Jared Diamond who recently pointed out that the rates of consumption of fuel and production of waste "…are about 32 times higher in North America…than they are in the developing world." We're winning! (And soon, swimming) Now admittedly there's no reason to run up the scoreboard that high, but luckily our candidates have bold solutions to America's massive consumption.

        [Video: Hillary Clinton: …changing to compact fluorescent bulbs…
        Barack Obama: Everybody's going to have to change their light bulbs…]

        Stephen: Light bulbs! It may seem like a small weapon in this war but few Americans remember how switching from 1% to 2% milk helped defeat the Nazis. (Skim lost us Vietnam) The Democrats proposals are inspiringly modest, but nothing next to Senator McCain's plain for conserving energy.

        [Video: John McCain: I propose that the federal government suspend all taxes on gasoline now paid by the American people from Memorial Day to Labor Day of this year.]

        Stephen: He is calling for the ultimate sacrifice: sacrificing the idea of sacrifice. It will be tough but we might have to not do it. (Never was so little asked of so many by so few) After all folks, this is war. To win we have to conserve the most important energy, our own. (Think globally, nap locally) Because when nothing feels like you're doing something, you can't get more energy efficient than that. (Kernel of Truth)

        And that's the Word.

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