The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 61

Frank Rich

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 09, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Frank Rich
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes editor of the New York Times, Frank Rich!

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  • Stephen takes a look at the "Movies That Are Destroying America."

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from summer movies to Frank Rich.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning the great mood he's in. As you may remember, he lost $5,000 in the Kentucky Derby, but he went double or nothing, betting against David Blaine, who tried to set a world record for being able to hold your breath the longest underwater. David Blaine missed the record by over a minute, so Stephen got his money back. In other news, Zacharias Moussaoui is trying to get the judge to overturn his conviction. He's trying to say that he was just kidding about having something to do with the 9/11 attacks. The judge denied a new trial, but Stephen would like him to get a new trial. Instead of getting life in prison, the ultimate penalty is spending the rest of his life with David Blaine in his water bubble.

    Moving on, Stephen says that Sigmund Freud's birthday was just the other day, his 150th, to be exact. Even the mayor of New York City named the day "Sigmund Freud Day". This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Superegomaniac." Freud said that we're motivated by subconscious thoughts, something Stephen doesn't like. He asks all of us to remove all of the thoughts from out head that we're unaware of.

    Back from commercial break, Stephen introduces another installment of "Movies That Are Destroying America: Summer Blockbuster Edition." The most dangerous movie is An Inconvenient Truth, starring Al Gore, who narrates a movie about global warming. Stephen still doesn't believe global warming exists and he really hates this movie. Also on the subject of environment, the movie Hoot has been released. Stephen's not a fan of it because the characters in the movie try to save a burrowing owl species. Stephen's worried about this strange burrowing owl, as it's not something he's ever heard of. Stephen then takes issue with Over The Hedge since he thinks it's an instructional video for illegal immigrants. Stephen finally takes issue with Tom Cruise's new movie, Mission Impossible 3 because it allegedly gives away too many of our CIA's secrets. The one movie Stephen can recommend is Akeelah And The Bee, a movie about a teacher who wants to help kids learn to spell. Stephen likes the movie because it's the first movie produced by Starbucks. He then tries to get Burger King to purchase his script for a movie he would like them to make.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Frank Rich of the New York Times. They discuss how the Democrats and Republicans differ, what President Bush has done in office, and then media. Stephen and Frank both are employed by mediums in which are being phased out in some respects by the Internet, especially when it comes to news.

    Tonight's episode was fairly average. I've never been a particular fan of Frank Rich, so as far as I'm concerned, he was a filler guest. The David Blaine opening was okay, and I liked that Stephen even touched on Zacharias Moussaoui. My favorite segment from tonight was "Movies That Are Destroying America: Summer Blockbuster Edition." I particularly enjoyed the bit about Over The Hedge. I absolutely laughed my ass off when he compared that movie to illegal immigration.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (7)

    • Stephen Colbert: And the Hollywood leftist propaganda machine grinds on with Over The Hedge. The trailer would have us believe this is a harmless family cartoon along the lines of Animal Farm or Fritz The Cat, but take a look. (trailer plays, showing animated animals trying to get over a hedge, where they can find food on the other side) It's just a thinly-veiled instructional video for immigrants trying to sneak into our country, where the hedge is the fence, the adorable animals are adorable illegals, and the the hot dogs are the American jobs we aren't willing to eat.

    • Stephen Colbert: Remember, tonight is the beginning of out closing credit contest. Whoever can memorize our closing credits, wins a valuable price: a sense of personal accomplishment.

    • Stephen Colbert: I say we put machine gun nests in every level of government.

    • Stephen Colbert (about Al Gore): I always suspected that guy was half fern.

    • Stephen Colbert: Holding your breath is not considered a "death-defying act." Called me old fashioned, but I still think of it as a tantrum.

    • Stephen Colbert: There are three doors. Behind one is a tiger, behind another, the truth. The third is a closet. Choose wisely. This is The Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Superegomaniac. Who the Hell does Sigmund Freud think he is? (Carl Jung?) I for one had no idea who he is, so I did a thorough study, read the entire Wikipedia entry. (Even the accurate parts) And here's what I found out, fairly alarming. According the Freud we're motivated my thoughts and feelings we're not even conscious of, they're called subconscious thoughts, and I don't like them. (Let's explore those feelings) Having a subconscious encourages self examination, self examination is only good in my opinion for prostates and breasts. (Diagnostic and fun) Otherwise folks it is dangerous. Socrates believed the unexamined life was not worth living. He believed in asking questions about ourselves, and look what it got him. (A hemlock smoothie) Plus, having a subconscious is just weak, it means your outside can't control what's going on inside. (Stephen's an outty) That's why I do not have, and never have had a subconscious. (Except me)

      I take personal responsibility for every decision I make. (Really? That tie?) Like my dreams, I pick them myself. (Mental NetFlix) For instance, tonight, I'll be taking the S.A.T. naked with Angelina Jolie as my teacher. (Then drive a hot dog down a steam tunnel) It's a good dream, and I pick that dream a lot. (Beats the one about the bears) I reject the idea that what happened to me growing up effects who I am as an adult. Sure I had some childhood trauma, who didn't? (Adam) Now, maybe a library shelf fell on me when I was three, but that's not why I hate books. (It's why he burns books) And yes I happened to be potty training at the time, but that doesn't mean anything.

      Now the Id-Police out there are gonna say that all my political beliefs can be explained by Freudian motivations. (Reagan=Daddy) But folks, that's just crazy. I've got perfectly rational reasons for what I believe. (Fear of castration) I am in favor of missile defense yes, not because missiles remind me of a penis, I like them for their power: the thrust, the explosive imposition of our will into the fertile deltas of another country. (Iran's begging for it.) And I don't care if people say I'm against gay marriage because I'm secretly afraid I'm gay, (Secretly knows he's gay) no, I'm against it for the same reason I'm against gay adoption and gay drivers licenses, because of the strain it would put on the social fabric. (Fabric around the social zipper) You know, I was talking about this just last night in bed with my mom. I mean my wife! Anyway nation, on Freud's 150th birthday I ask you to follow my lead. Get rid of any thoughts you're not aware of. The subconscious is just part of the culture of self-victimization; everything I say and do is a deliberate choice I make consciously. (Even breathing) So, Dr. Freud, get out of my head. (There's nothing in there)

      And that's the Word.

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