The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 89

Garrett Keizer

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 06, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Garrett Keizer
Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of The Unwanted Sound of Everything We Want: A Book About Noise, Garret Keizer.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

      • "SCILF" returns as the featured adjective in the opening credits, after "Flurpy" was used for only the episode for 5 July 2010.

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen Colbert: Best of all, Wal-Mart course work teaches business skills so that one day students can realize their dream of opening their own company that gets crushed by Wal-Mart.

      • Stephen: Tonight: Jobless Americans are desperate. Will work for food is now: Will work as food. Then: I look at our troubled educational system. It's a segment you'll want to watch with your teacher, after you've had sex. And my guest Garrett Keizer says our lives are filled with noise. I hope he enjoys the vuvuzela in his gift bag. Good news nation! Either I no longer have a fever or the heat wave has matched my internal temperature. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Luckily there's a new job opportunity on the horizon, and it brings us to tonight's Word: The White Stuff. Thankfully, someone still believes in the American dream: China. And they have recently started purchasing the one thing we have plenty of: (Back fat?) Guys like me:

        [Video: Kyra Phillips: White people can be rented in China. Yes, we said rented. This is how it works: Some Chinese companies like to have a few foreigners hanging around to show that they have prestige or money…Chinese people also refer to these jobs as White guy in tie events or simply a face job.]

        Stephen: Well done Kyra Phillips. Face job is the second hardest thing to say on CNN without laughing, right behind: Back to you Rick Sanchez. (Close third: Calling Larry King "live") The point is folks you can get a job in China just by being White. (Doesn't hurt in Arizona either) And these new Chinese jobs allow average Americans to profit off our country's past glory. It's like we're George Takei and the world is our Star Trek convention. ("Whore me out, Scotty!") Or think of us as the souvenir venders in Rome, only instead of peddling crappy versions of The Coliseum, we're selling crappy versions of ourselves. (Aren't those called Canadians?) And anyone can do these jobs. The only requirements are that you: Be White, Do not speak any Chinese, and Pretend like you just got off an airplane yesterday. Basically be a White guy in a suit that knows nothing. Just channel your inner Doucey.

        Now some of you are saying: Stephen, you wouldn't take a job like that, it's prostitution. No, it's prostertunity. And the truth is, I have taken a job like that. You see, I lost The Colbert Report back in 2008 because I had financed it with bundled sub-prime loans. (Thanks, Jim Cramer) Now for the last two years, this has been a Chinese show that has actually been called the Best Lucky Number Joy Time Fun Colbert Hour and Friend. (May contain trace amounts of lead) I just read the words that Mr. Chin Chao puts in my telepromter. How am I doing Mr Chin?

        Mr. Chin: Very well Stephen. We are very pleased with how you represent our show. Additionally, I am pleased to state that we have no immediate plans to end your employment.
        Stephen: Thank you Mr. Chin, and I in return will continue to do my best to continue giving you the best possible face job.
        Mr. Chin: Now please, resume your prestigious Whiteness.

        Stephen: See folks? You can make it work. And with all the money I'm making working for the Chinese, I'm going to start my own business. And the first thing I'm going to do is hire some Chinese guys to stand around the front. Because everybody knows the Chinese are business geniuses. (Then why do they keep lending us money?) And that's the Word.

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