The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 94

Garrett Reisman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 24, 2008 on Comedy Central
8.7
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Tonight Stephen welcomes astronaut Garrett Reisman. Also Stephen talks with journalist and religion reporter for the New York Times, Laurie Good Goodstein, about the schism in the Anglican Church over whether to ordain openly gay priests.
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      • Stephen Colbert: Folks, some people look at a glass and say it's half empty. I look at that same glass and say we're all going to drown. This is the Threatdown. Threat number four: new age healers. I never trusted these herb huffers. That's why I do all my own acupuncture. You'd be surprised what you can cure if you just keep stabbing...Threat number three: Greek courts. Earlier this week, an Athens judge ruled that citizens of the Greek island of Lesbos do not have an exclusive right to the word lesbian, meaning homosexual women worldwide can now use the term. That's right, folks. Now, lesbians can be from anywhere. We all know that being gay is a choice but being lesbian was something you were born with by being born on the island of Lesbos or by going to Smith College. Now, any woman can call herself a lesbian just by being attracted to other women...and finally, threat number two: granite countertops. With more and more homeowners demanding granite countertops, more types of granite are now being mined. Unfortunately, some of these types of granite contain high levels of radioactive uranium...who knows what kind of effect this radiation will have on our food? It could turn our arugula from this (picture of arugula) to this (picture of the Incredible Hulk). Don't make your salad angry. You wouldn't like it when it's angry. On the bright side, the countertop now doubles as a microwave.

      • Stephen: Tonight: The Anglican Church is split over gay priests. It's the biggest religious controversy since Scientologists decided to admit gay thetans. Then Serbian war criminal Radavan Karadzic is finally captured. His fatal mistake? Disguising himself as Slobodan Milosevic. And after 95 days in space astronaut Garret Reisman is here to answer my questions along with the alien that will burst out of his chest. Count your blessings America: (points to himself) One. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: The big story is still Barack Obama's world tour. I've got to give him credit. Once again today he made history by being the first man to travel around the world in a plane propelled only by the power of the media's flash photography.

      • Stephen: Only problem, Obama isn't on the Banking Committee. He tells everyone that but is in fact he is the Banking Committee's equipment manager. Senator, if you're going to lie about being on a committee, at least choose a cool one. Like the Senate Committee on Lion Fighting, or the Jet Pack Caucus.

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