The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 128

General Wesley Clark

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 10, 2007 on Comedy Central
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General Wesley Clark
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Tonight Stephen welcomes former NATO supreme commander in Europe and author of A Time to Lead: For Duty, Honor and Country, Gen. Wesley Clark.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: Kraft Foods, I'd make a great pasta shape. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: America has more people in prison then ever before. You put us over the top, Kiefer Sutherland!

      • General Clark: What I found in a very personal sense is when you drop bombs and people die, their relatives don't like it.

      • Stephen: The numbers are staggering and they're subject of tonight's Word: Americon Dream. Nation, this is appalling. If two million Americans are in prison that mean 298 million Americans are roaming the streets. (Only half of them wiretapped) And I personally believe that most people are just criminals who are too lazy to commit their crimes. (Bust playing "Grand Theft Auto") Now, when this country was founded there were only four million American citizens. (Not including the people they owned) Now if we want to make this country great we need to get back to those manageable numbers and the best way to do that is to put as many people in jail as possible. It will be like they disappeared. (Prest-O Chains-O!) And luckily the Los Angeles Country Sheriff's department has stumbled upon a way to do it. Last week the L.A. Times reported that Sheriff's deputies have been engaging in good natured competitions like to seize the most cars in called "Operation Vehicle Impound" or arrest the most people called "Operation Any Booking," a third contest "…challenged deputies to see how many gang member and suspected criminals could be stopped and questioned." I'm not sure if they had a name for that one. (Operation "Hey, let's question that black guy") Now competition I believe makes everything better, we learned that from the free market. Why spend twenty five bucks on a Barbie doll made in America when you can have one that was made in China [Lead Barbie] for just a buck 99. Just keep it away from, you know, children.

        These Los Angeles policemen are just using these free market principle to put more people in jail. (The invisible handcuff of the market) We should take a page from their book ("The 7 Habits of Highly-Arresting People) and use competition to clean up the whole country. Politicians can do their part, see who can make the most things illegal. And how about changing "Three Strike and You're out" to a different sports metaphor like "Hole in One." If you commit one crime we put you in the hole for life. Of course, there is still the problem of running out of room in prison, so if every person becomes a criminal, let's just make every house the Big House. Build that white picket fence 10 feet higher and put some barbed wire on the top. (The ultimate gated community) Because nation, to achieve and ordered society we have to eliminate the root cause of crime, all the people.

        And that's the Word.

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