The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 157

Geoffrey Canada

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 08, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes social activist and the President/CEO of Harlem Children's Zone, Geoffrey Canada.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The auto industry gets a bailout…With No Money Down! Then a Republican Congresswoman accidentally hangs up on Barack Obama, but not before he got her to change her long distance plan. And my guest is Harlem Children's Zone's Geoffrey Canada. What, we couldn't get Geoffrey America? I don't want to let the cat out of the bag… that cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But I am still willing to let it all slide and the reason is tonight's Word: Season of Giving. Folks, ever since the very first Christmas at has been a tradition at this time of year to give away gold. But instead of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're giving to Ford, Chrysler and GM. (Immaculate concession) Now they say they need the gold to build cars that run on new alternative fuels, (Repossessed houses?) now this blackout package has plenty of stuff I don't believe in. Automakers have to accept oversight, limited executive pay and a California law limiting greenhouse gasses. It's a small step from that to driver's side bong holders and transgender mudflaps. (Available on new Chrysler "Crossdresser") So I know logically I should be screaming from the rooftops about this, but I'm not. (Doesn't want to scare off Santa) Because I remember 'tis the season to forgive, that's why I always free the carolers that fall into my caroler pit. (Keeps parts for "leg nog") Now many, many of my Republican friends disagree.

        [Video Clips: Sen. Jon Kyl: There is no indication that the problems that the auto companies have had are going to be solved by throwing taxpayer dollars at them.
        Newt Gingrich: I'm not in favor of bailing out companies.
        Pundit: I think this is a bridge loan to nowhere…]

        Stephen: Bridge loan to nowhere? Excuse me, Detroit is not nowhere. (Just uninhabited) Now I for one believe in the free market and if a car company can't survive normally I say let them die. It's not like we're losing the banking industry.

        [Video: Stephen Hayes: The automakers are a different deal all together, it would be more akin as one person put it to me, as losing a foot.]

        Stephen: Right, it's just a foot. If we had let the banking industry fail, we would have lost our a**holes. But there are 2.5 million jobs out there dependent on the auto industry and it is Christmas, a time when we put aside out differences and help those in need. (Who have lobbyists) That there is a little wisdom I got from my grandmother. Another thing I got from my grandmother was a 1979 powder blue Ford Pinto. She sold it to me for a dollar. I didn't…it didn't have the greatest pickup, it went for 0 to 60…on a good day. But then again I didn't want to go too fast because the brakes were a little mushy, thank goodness the floorboards had rusted out so in a pinch I could have jammed by feet through and stopped like Fred Flintstone. Repairs were a snap, I used to roll it up on the side of a hill and pull the emergency brake and keep it running while I crawled underneath with a hammer and a pair of pliers. I kept touching things with the hammer and if that stopped the constant, deafening rattle I would take that part off with the pliers. I got quite a collection of metal on the wall of my garage. Of course one balmy 10 below day in Chicago, Illinois late for work, foot of snow, it died on me. Before I could get it repaired the city tows it off to Lower Wacker Drive and they want 200 dollars to get it out! Well ha, ha! Jokes on them! It wasn't world the G*ddamn dollar I paid for it! So I let them keep the car and I hope it rots in Hell! (Along with my Chevy Nova)

        Which is really, really what we should let the auto companies do. Someone has got to pay! But it is Christmas, so I guess that someone has got to be us. (Season of giving) And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: Remember, during the presidential campaign, Sarah Palin was tricked by pranksters pretending to be French president Nicolas Sarkozy - and later she was fooled again when who she thought was British prime minister Gordon Brown, turned out to actually be a dial tone.

      • Stephen Colbert: I'm sorry to have to do this, but I saw some shocking footage over the weekend. It is quite disturbing, so if there are any young children or pregnant women in the room - I suggest you either have them leave, or render them unconscious.

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