The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 32

George McGovern

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 10, 2008 on Comedy Central
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George McGovern
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Tonight Stephen welcomes former Presidential candidate and South Dakota Senator George McGovern.

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    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: The fact is, bigger is better. Just ask Tim Russert's head.

      • Stephen: Yes. I'm breaking the story on national television right now. Jon Stewart is my pimp.

      • Stephen: New York Post, I call dibs on "Elliot Mess". This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Hilary Clinton says the states she won are bigger than Obama's. I say its not the size that counts, but whether its shaped like Florida.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Size Matters. Barack Obama has big problem here. Sure, he's winning a lot, but they're just little states like Maryland, Washington and Illinois. ("Land of Tiny Lincoln") Hillary is winning all the big states Rhode Island!) and everybody known that if you win the big states in the party primary you automatically win them in the general election. (Also, you can get pregnant by swimming) For example, did you know that the Democrat who won the Texas primary went on to win Texas in the general election in every one on the last eight elections? (Except 7 of them) Therefore Hillary will naturally win Texas in the general election. (Unless there's a Republican candidate) Now I'm not saying Hillary Clinton doesn't face some challenges, after all, John McCain won Texas in the Republican primary which means by the same logic McCain will also win Texas in the general election. (He remembers Alamo firsthand) And folks, thank to electronic voting that might be possible. As for the states that neither Hillary nor McCain won in the primaries, I assume they will simple cease to exist. (Huckabee states will be Raptured)

        Now the Obamamaniacs out there are saying: Oh but Stephen, he won 26 states to her 16, he's leading in the popular vote! But it's not how many votes you get it's the geographic boundaries that contain those votes. Getting 10 million in one state is way better than getting 12 million votes split between two states. (Especially if they're Florida and Michigan) So if Obama wants to compete he's going to have to win some big states, but there is only one big state left: Pennsylvania. (State motto: "Not yet the murder capital") So his only chance here is to state making big states out of the small states he's already won. (Elector set) For instance take the Southeast. It's cute that he's won South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana and is leading in tomorrows Mississippi primary my 17 points, but it would actually matter if he'd won the state South Georgiabamasippiana. South Georgiabamasippiana has almost two million more people than Texas! (Plus, reasonably sized toast) He could follow that up with a big win creating Illikansasourinebriowa. Illikansasournebriowa has 78,000 more square miles than Texas! (Most of it covered in denim) And folks, I think it might be his only chance. Because is doesn't matter if you're ahead in delegates, it doesn't matter if you're ahead in popular votes, only one really matters…

        [Video: Gov. Ed Rendell: If she wins Ohio, Texas, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Florida on top of all the other big states she's won, if she wins the key states that are going to decide the election, let's go with our strongest hand…
        Tim Russert: That's a strong argument.]

        Stephen: The only thing that matters is that people believe that that's a strong argument. And that's the Word.

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