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Stephen Colbert: What's the value of the political parties to you?
George Will: They organize our animosities.
Stephen Colbert: …So, we're free to dislike things together.
George Will: Outstanding. You're a quick study.
Stephen Colbert: And you, sir, are a formidable opponent.
Stephen Colbert: What are you?
George Will: I'm a heathen.
Stephen Colbert: Are you an atheist?
George Will: I'm not decisive enough to be an atheist.
Stephen Colbert: You're agnostic.
George Will: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Wow. And they let you into all the right clubs?
Stephen Colbert: Some people call the liberals more idealistic. They think we should all be equal. Do conservatives think that if we just have freedom everything will be ok or do they say, if we just had freedom, some people would get screwed but hey that's life?
George Will: Pretty much that. What conservatives say is we will protect you against idealism. We will protect you against the liberal faith that they can make something straight from the crooked timber of humanity. We understand that the government's job is to deliver the mail, defend the shores, and get out of our way.
Stephen Colbert: What do you think the difference is between conservatives and liberals?
George Will: The difference between the truth and confusion basically…A slightly longer answer is that the competing values are freedom and equality at all times. Conservatives tend to favor freedom and are willing to accept inequalities of outcome from a free market. Liberals tend to favor equality of outcome and are willing to sacrifice freedom in order to get it.
Stephen Colbert: How can you tell between you and Cokie and George and Sam who's right if you don't measure it by who is loudest?
George Will: Well, if you believe that the lungs are the seat of wisdom, then Sam is. But it's not and I am.
Stephen Colbert: Imitation is the sincerest form of identity theft.
(Stephen's Sound Advice)
Stephen Colbert: Tonight, finding a summer job, my first piece of advice: check the classifieds. Everyday there are tons of ads in there to distract you from the fact that you're unemployed…My next tip: always appear professional. For example, I wore a business suit at my college summer job, lifeguard. It made it a little harder to rescue people but, then again, I didn't have to change for the funerals…Next tip: lower your expectations. Instead of going after glamorous summer jobs like grocery bagger or fry cook, be willing to settle for jobs that aren't in such high demand like chimney sweep or Clinton campaign staffer or, always a safe bet, lab test subject. Sure, it sounds risky but you've got a fifty/fifty chance of being the group that gets the placebo…Finally, try an internship. Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck…So, students good luck with your search and remember. There's no such thing as a small job, just small people that do soul-killing jobs for bad pay.
(on video clip) Cheney: The war on terror is a lengthy enterprise but it does not have to go on forever.
Stephen Colbert: No, it just has to make it to January.
Stephen Colbert: Al Qaeda is losing? But they're our key ally in never having to explain what our government is doing. But Hayden knows what he's talking about. I mean, he's the head of the CIA and they're never wrong about Al Qaeda and, when they are, it's top secret.
Stephen Colbert: Fighting in Iraq put us into position to fight in Iran and who knows what'll come after that? I'm hoping Irap.
Stephen Colbert: I guess the stage of grief after anger is Hillary.
Stephen Colbert: I haven't been this upset since they cancelled Jag. Only 10 seasons. It was just finding its voice.
Stephen Colbert: Ok, here's what I hate about the Democrats ending their primaries. They don't care what it does to pundits like me. For months now, we could ignore earthquakes and floods and torture and focus on important stuff like flag pins and $400 haircuts but it's all over.
Stephen Colbert: I'm sure you all heard the news. The final two Democratic primaries were held tonight. They did all 50 states, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, citizens living abroad, and, since this is the Democrats, I think they held one where animals vote. I believe Dennis Kucinich won. This can't be over! Seems like it started only 17 months ago. Come on, Colbert (pronounced with a hard t), get it together! There might be girls watching.
Stephen: This potential end to the war terrifies me. Luckily there is a way to keep fighting the war on terror indefinitely, and it's tonight's Word: Unhealthy Competition. For the past seven years Al Qaeda has been America's public enemy number one. (#2: High fructose corn syrup) That's why we've been so focused on capturing Bin Laden in Pakistan by invading Iraq. If suddenly Al Qaeda isn't so threatening, how will we justify limitless executive power? ($300 stimulus checks!) I mean how will we prop up our nations beleaguered duct tape industry? (With duct tape) Fortunately Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has given us the answer, take a listen.
[Video: Michael Chertoff: Someone has described Hezbollah as the A-Team of terrorists…To be honest they make Al Qaeda look like a minor league team…]
Stephen: Al Qaeda's a minor league team, which explains their recent Aiman Al-Zahiri bobblehead giveaway. It makes a great car bomb dashboard accessory. Folks this is huge news. It is getting harder to be terrified of Al Qaeda, so now we can just be scared of Al Qaeda and terrified of Hezbollah. (And be creeped out by Texas polygamists) They are as Chertoff said they are the A-Team, which is clear from this Hezbollah training video. [Clip of the opening credits of The A-Team] This is great news, for one thing I believe calling Hezbollah the A-Team means we can put them in jail for a crime they didn't commit. (There's a crime they didn't commit?) More importantly there's no way Al Qaeda will take being sent down to the minors lying down. (Unless planting bomb under car) And Hezbollah isn't going to seize the title of America's top enemy without a fight, that's why instead of merely pitting terrorists groups against each other verbally, I say we need to actually set up a terrorist league. (Still less violent than NHL)
I'm sure there are scores of other terrorist organizations that want a shot a being America's top enemy: Hamas, the Tamil Tigers, the ACLU. I say just divide them into Eastern and Western conferences, it will be like March Madness, except the players will actually be insane. (Still not crazier than Bobby Knight) Then they can settle who's America's top enemy they way I settled the dispute with my neighbor over one of his tree branches reaching over my garden wall. (Topiary middle finger?) With a fight to the death. Then which ever terrorist group wins goes on to the next round while the losing group advances to their preferred afterlife. (Spoiler alert: The island on Lost!) This way we let these monsters eliminate each other and whoever emerges will be so vicious, so battle tested we'll have no choice but to declare and endless war on terror. It's like Lending Tree, when terrorists compete, we win. (Unhealthy competition)
And that's the Word.
Stephen: Tonight, is Al Qaeda running out of steam? And if so, what's powering Bin Laden's dialysis machine?
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