The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 33

Geraldo Rivera

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 11, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Geraldo Rivera
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of His Panic: Why Americans Fear Hispanics in the U.S., Geraldo Rivera.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Mr. Right Now. Last week I was in the salon getting a mani-pedi, it's okay, it's got the word "man" right in there, and I overheard tow of the gals discussing an article from the Atlantic magazine. It's called Marry Him: The Case For Mr. Good Enough. The Atlantic is giving women permission to give up on their dreams. Why wait for true love and the perfect man when he might just be a myth? (Centaurs are hung like a horse) The piece contains such uplifting gems such as "Don't worry about passion or intense connection" "Overlook his halitosis" and "If I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm at the age where I'll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me." The author makes a compelling case for becoming dead inside. (At least you'll get flowers) The fact is most of the good guys are taken and evidently most of them are going to prostitutes. [Eliot Spitzer] And you know, maybe of these last few months of the Republican primaries I've been too picky, holding out for a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. (And sweep out immigrants) A candidate with the rifle toting swagger of a Teddy Roosevelt, or the movie star John Wayne heroism of a Ronald Reagan or the comforting ropy mustache of a Chester A. Arthur.

        I guess I've been spoiled by President Bush. (So has our international standing) I mean that's passion, Bush is the kind of guy who packs your bags and whisks you off to an exotic locale. (Iraq) Sure he forgets to pack a few key items like underwear or a toothbrush, (Or body armor) and sure he doesn't think to buy return tickets, but overall it has been one long, crazy honeymoon. (Carried us way over threshold) Unfortunately folks the Constitution says it has to end, ("It's not you, it's term limits") and maybe, just maybe McCain isn't so bad. [Looks at McCain photo, pulls out ice cream and starts eating] He's uh…you know, he's dependable. He's been in the Senate for 20 years you know, we both hate terrorists, that's something we have in common. (A match made in nine-eleven states) You know, I bet he's kind of a solid guy who takes out the garbage and puts down the toilet seat and stays in Iraq for a hundred years. (Enjoys long walks in the Green Zone) And sure he doesn't have a lot of money, he's not young, he's not dynamic, he's not a great speaker and he's got a bad temper, he's from a dry climate and he's has a reptilian air that reminds me of the albino alligator at the Miami Parrot Jungle. (Actually, that's David Caruso) [Puts away ice cream and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels and takes a swig] Okay, okay, everybody calm down, it's going to be okay. But he's turning it around, he's turning it around! News is he's getting advice now from sexy new friends: Karl Rove! Oh, he is dreamy. I guess I can see me and McCain together….what I'm saying John McCain is… that if you ask…I'll say yes. (But no tongue) Now sure it won't be a passionate embrace but that doesn't last long anyway. So John…sweetheart, I guess I could learn to love you. But first it's time for me and my fellow true conservatives to say goodbye…to hating you.

        [Video clips: Chris Matthews: Will you vote for John McCain to keep the Clintons out of the White House?
        Tom Delay: I'm not sure who's the most dangerous to be in the White House…
        Sean Hannity: You will vote for Hillary…
        Ann Coulter: I will campaign for her if it's McCain…
        Rush Limbaugh: He going to destroy the Republican party, it's going to change it forever, it's going to be the end of it…
        Hugh DeWitt: He's been a lousy Senator and a terrible Republican…
        Mitt Romney: If you want that kind of liberal, Democratic course as President then you can vote for him…
        Sean Hannity: McCain-Fiengold, McCain-Kennedy, McCain-Lieberman a significant pattern of aligning himself with liberal Democrats against his conservative base…
        John McCain: I will be the Republican nominee for President of the United States…
        Sean Hannity: I like him and admire him and have some areas of agreement….
        Haley Barbour: Now John McCain is our nominee and conservatives and Republicans are going to unite behind him…
        Rush Limbaugh: The Republican party is the Repubican party and the establishment's going to hang together….
        Mitt Romney: I'm officially endorsing his candidacy.]

        Stephen: And that's the Word.

      • Geraldo Rivera: You are my Oprah.

      • Stephen: Here's how you sniff out a fake. Take a pocket knife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it is a real Ferrari, someone will kick your ass.

      • Stephen: Hey, blood bank! That cookie sucked! I want my blood back. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: My guest is Geraldo Rivera. I'd like to remind the audience that the chairs are unattached and light weight for easy throwing.

      • Stephen: I take another look at John McCain. You have to check in on him now and then to make sure he hasn't dosed off.

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