The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 59

Gina Kolata

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 02, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Gina Kolata
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times reporter and author of Rethinking Thin: The New Science of Weight Loss and the Myths and Realities of Dieting, Gina Kolata.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: When you're president Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs, providing it's not too cold for them to fly, what with hell having frozen over. Maybe we can hold the welcome back parade on Highly Improbable Day.

      • Stephen: Caution! This show may be a suffocation hazard because you can't poke holes in my arguments. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Congressman Rohrabacher's real point is tonight's Word: Better Safe Than Sorry. Members of the ACLU-Qaeda are down on extraordinary renditions because of cases like Khaled Al-Mazri, a German citizen who on his way to vacation in Macedonia was take off a bus and held by the CIA for 23 days in a hotel room. Then according to Al-Mazri quote: "Seven or eight men entered the hotel room, I was severely beaten, someone sliced the clothes off my body, I was beaten again, then I felt something firm being forced…" It goes on from there. (Actually "in" from there) Remind me not to vacation in Macedonia. After that Al-Mazri was taken to Afghanistan, held for five months and finally dumped in a street in Albania. (Damn you, Travelocity!) He was released folks because he wasn't the right guy. Turns out the CIA made a mistake. (Now called a "Tenet") According to the Washington Post quote: "The head of the CIA's counterterrorist center's Al-Qaeda unit 'believed he was someone else…she just had a hunch.'" Hey, nobody's perfect. You want a tuna fish sandwich, you're gonna have to catch some dolphins. (Then beat and torture dolphin) That is all Representative Rohrabacher is saying here. And I'm sure as a patriot he'd have no problem if one day he were accidentally scooped up my masked men and taken to a secret facility to be tortured. He'd put his money where his mouth is. (Inside burlap sack) And folks, the CIA doesn't need to do that with the Congressman because Rohrabacher doesn't sound like a terrorist. (Except that part about kidnapping innocent people) But maybe your name does. So in the interest of national security I'm calling on those of you who do seem like terrorists, and you know who you are, to prove you're not a terrorist by turning yourselves in. (Wear something loose) And to those of you who would invite terrorist attacks by voicing you opposition to extraordinary rendition, Representative Rohrabacher has a message.

        [Video: Rep. Dana Rohrabacher: Well I hope it's your family, I hope it's your families that suffer the consequences.]

        Stephen: He's right! He is right, but we cannot wait for these critics families to be killed in a terrorist attack, that could take forever. We have to take matters into our own hands and kidnap anyone criticizing these kidnappings. It's the only way to keep them from helping the terrorists. (Better safe than sorry)

        And that's the Word.

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