The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 56


Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 22, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes musical group Gorillaz.
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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: And I'm not going to let someone slander his good name, which brings us to tonight's Word: Straight To Video. First off, I don't believe this allegation, if Lindsey Graham found men sexually attractive, why would he hang out with Joe Lieberman? (Trying to cure himself?) Plus, for the last three years, Human Rights Campaign, the largest gay rights organization in the country gave Graham's voting record a 0. Of course, that doesn't prove that he's not gay, after all, Larry Craig also had a 0 which turned out to be slightly less than the number of times he was arrested for soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. (Less degrading than eating at Sbarro) But while it is not true and none of our business, for a Republican politician this is a serious charge. My research department has determined that Republicans aren't that fond of gay people, after they had conducted an exhaustive turning on of Fox News.

        [Video: Newt Gingrich: There is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us…
        Oliver North: Here's what's next: NAMBLA members, same sex marriages…
        Bill O'Reilly: If you okay gay marriage then you have to do plural marriage. You would lever everyone get married that wanted to get married. If you want to marry a turtle you can.]

        Stephen: But of course, all the best ones are taken. So Senator Graham needs to convince us he's straight, but how? (Losing the name "Lindsey"?) Welll folks, the answer can be found where all of us straight guys go for tips on how to be straight. [Sex and the City] Sex & the City. In this case of course, it's season six, part two, episode five: The Cold War. Now normally I'm more of a Miranda, but is a Samantha story. I know, what a whore. Rumors go around that her boyfriend, he's a model and gorgeous, was gay and she has to prove that he's not.

        [Video: Dude: You sure you want to do this?
        Samantha: It worked for Paris Hilton. I need to set the record straight, literally.]

        Stephen: Lindsey Graham, save your good name by releasing a sex tape. (On "C-Span After Dark") And folks, I have already got a title: Graham Slam. Sir it will save your career! Because any kind of straight sex seems to be okay with the GOP. (Party of ho) I mean just look at Governor Mark Sanford, Senator John Ensign or Senator David Vitter who's still in office despite being named as a client by the DC Madam three years ago and dogged by rumors that he allegedly likes prostitutes to dress him up in diapers. Has he been thrown out of office? No he has not, in fact, I'd say he has been pampered. So just rent the equipment, Hell, rent the girl, just put it in there and get it our there. (Straight to video)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: So why did he do this? The answer is tonight's bonus Word: Defamation Of Independents. That's right! It's our first ever bonus Word! Now folks, a quick disclaimer: These days, when I go twice a night, the second one doesn't have quite the same oomph. Be gentle. Okay. Here's what Gheen is really doing: He's a big opponent of illegal immigration and the immigration reform bill is the next big piece of legislation in Obama's pipeline. (Pipeline laid by immigrants) Now Gheen knows the Republicans only have 41 seats in the Senate, to block legislation they have to march in unison. (In their filibuster browns) So the real threat is not that Lindsey Graham is gay, which he isn't, is that he's bi, which he is, bi-partisan. (A.C. in D.C.) Right now Graham is negotiation a bipartisan deal on the immigration bill with Chuck Schumer. All Gheen is saying is that no Republican would really be bipartisan of his own free will, there has to be a simpler explanation.

        [Video: William Gheen: I'm a tolerant person, I don't care about your private life, Lindsey. But as our U.S. Senator, I need to figure out why you're trying to sell out your own countrymen and I need to make sure you being gay isn't it.]

        Stephen: See? It must be that Lindsey's being blackmailed into bipartisanship. And by asking Senator Graham into openly admitting that he's gay there will then be nothing hanging over the Senator's head, so Gheen is really setting him free. (The douche shall set you free) And I think that is the opposite of blackmail, whatever you call that. (White male) This folks, this is a great idea who's time has come. Because lately there seem to be a lot of Republican Senators who've been blackmailed into bipartisanship. For instance Maine Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe both voted for Obama's stimulus bill, and I gotta wonder if someone's blackmailing them over a dark secrets. I mean two lady Senators sharing the same state? Stimulating each other? What kind of Republicans are those? (The strap-on caucus?) And what about pretty boy Scott Brown? He voted for the Democrats jobs bill. I gotta ask, is that because someone is threatening to release the fact that he's a truckasexual? (Looking for Mr. Goodwrench) And what about conservative William Gheen, I just found out he worked for the Democratic party in the 1990s. That sounds pretty bipartisan, I've got to at least consider the possibility that someone found out he gets off by going to the ballpark on weekends and like laying in the trough in the men's room like a human urinal cake. (Better than watching the Mets play) I have got nothing to back that up. I just need to know that that's no true. (Or if it's just Vitter again) So, Mr. Gheen, bipartisan curious Republicans, just come on my show, air all your dark secrets, that you'll be free to do what you're told. (Defamation of independents)

        And that's the Bonus Word.

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