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The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 57

Gov. Mike Huckabee

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 02, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Gov. Mike Huckabee
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: A 12-Stop Program to End Bad Habits and Begin a Healthy Lifestyle and the Governor of Arkansas, Gov. Mike Huckabee!

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  • Great guest!

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from immigrant rallies to obesity.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning he ate lunch in the park today because of the great weather. He saw something that truly scared him, David Blaine training for a stunt in a globe of salt water in the park.

    Stephen then moves on to to the issue of obesity, a problem with many Americans. Mike Huckabee has lost over 100 pounds recently and is encouraging others to do the same. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Healthy Appetite". Stephen's opposed to the recent studies, which suggest drinking fewer sodas and eating fewer candy bars. He suggests the fatter we get, the larger our cars need to be, employing more people, which is good for the economy. Just imagine what would happen to the "yo-momma" joke industry!

    Back from commercial, Stephen tells us that most of his staff didn't show up. It seems he employs immigrants, and they were out joining in the rallies. It seems Stephen had to drive himself home, undress himself, and make himself a bowl of breakfast. Staying on the topic of jobs Stephen can do himself, he shows an audition tape he made for applying for the White House Press Secretary opening. Unfortunately, the job went to FOX News reporter, Tony Snow. The video shows him battling reporters and being stalked by reporter Helen Thomas.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Mike Huckabee. Most of their interview is centered on weight loss. They end with a suggestion that Stephen and the governor run for President together.

    I really liked tonight's show. The worst segment was the press secretary audition. I saw it when it was originally used during the White House Correspondents Association dinner, and I thought it was mediocre then as I do now. It was a bit ridiculous, frankly. The interview, however, made up for that segment's quality. The end of the interview was great. Stephen and Mike Huckabee are great together. Mike has always had a great sense of humor and is great for a show like this!moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (11)

    • Stephen Colbert: If you would like a transcript of tonight's show, get to typing!

    • Stephen Colbert (about Mike Huckabee): He's here to talk about healthy eating. I'll ask if he's ever taken money from Mayor McCheese.

    • Stephen Colbert (about Helen Thomas): She chained me to a radiator in her basement... not that I'm complaining.

    • Stephen Colbert: I've got a problem with leaders telling me what to do. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat unless they're covered in a crunchy, candy shell.

    • Stephen Colbert (about Mike Huckabee): Not too long ago, he lost 110 pounds! He lost Kelly Ripa.

    • Stephen Colbert (to audience, about their applause): You may be loud, but you take me to a still quiet place.

    • Stephen Colbert: I bring you the unvarnished truth, though it's lightly stained and buffed with a Danish oil. This is The Colbert Report.

    • Stephen Colbert: Does America have an obesity problem? It's gotten so fast, I can't see Florida.

    • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, immigrants stage massive rallies in our streets. Who the heck is gonna clean up after all of that?

    • Stephen: ...that brings us to tonight's Word: Healthy Appetite. This study is flawed, (It's Nutrageous) soda keeps people active. Whenever I drink a Mountain Dew I parachute out of a bi-plane, land on a snowboard and jump over an alligator pit. Heck of a workout. You doctors should know that. (First Dew no harm) Besides if every kid in America buys one less soda, say a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, it will create a ripple effect on the American workforce. (Jiggle-down economics) Bottlers won't bottle, carbonators won't carbonate and distributors won't distributate. And it doesn't just hurt the cola industry folks, it hurts the little guys. The cherry pickers, (Sodium benzoate producers) vanilla extractors, (Sodium benzoate distributors) even the medical community. (Studying long term effects of sodium benzoate) What are all those unemployed people going to do? (Be replaced by immigrants) They're gonna sit on the couch, watch TV and get fat. It's a vicious cycle. (A Domino's effect) Obesity isn't something to shy away from, it's something to be embraced. (If you can get your arms around it)

      We don't need economic growth, we need economic obesity. (Bottom line=Waistline) Take the textile industry: overweight people by bigger clothes, which means more fabric, giving work to our nation's struggling sweatshop workers. (The invisible Filipino hands of the market) Plus these portly patriots don't like walking places which is good news for the nation's automobile manufacturers because bigger drivers mean bigger cars. (Fatty-Fatty Four-by-Fours) And bigger cars mean more gas and more room for feel good bumper stickers. ("My Other Car is a Wienermobile") Now listen, without full figured fellows, the multi billion dollar diet and exercise industry would collapse. Just imagine the repercussions. ("Cosmo" now entirely about sex positions) Even our greatest artistic achievements would suffer. For without our hefty heroes there would be no songs about fat bottomed girls or lovely lady lumps. (And operas would never end) And it would be the final nail in the coffin of America's proud "Yo Mamma" joke industry. (Mexico's "Tu Madre" industry catching up) So America, have your cake and eat it to, in fact eat your friends cake. You're helping our nations bakers, because getting fat is the only way to keep the economy healthy.

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen: Turns out it's actually magician David Blaine. He's spending a week in 2000 gallons of salt water trying to prove once and for all that mankind is capable of watching anything.

  • NOTES (1)

    • Stephen's press conference audition video was originally featured during his performance at the 2006 White House Correspondents Association dinner.


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