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The Word: Healthy Appetite
Stephen Colbert: If you would like a transcript of tonight's show, get to typing!
Stephen Colbert (about Mike Huckabee): He's here to talk about healthy eating. I'll ask if he's ever taken money from Mayor McCheese.
Stephen Colbert (about Helen Thomas): She chained me to a radiator in her basement... not that I'm complaining.
Stephen Colbert: I've got a problem with leaders telling me what to do. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat unless they're covered in a crunchy, candy shell.
Stephen Colbert (about Mike Huckabee): Not too long ago, he lost 110 pounds! He lost Kelly Ripa.
Stephen Colbert (to audience, about their applause): You may be loud, but you take me to a still quiet place.
Stephen Colbert: I bring you the unvarnished truth, though it's lightly stained and buffed with a Danish oil. This is The Colbert Report.
Stephen Colbert: Does America have an obesity problem? It's gotten so fast, I can't see Florida.
Stephen Colbert: Tonight, immigrants stage massive rallies in our streets. Who the heck is gonna clean up after all of that?
Stephen: ...that brings us to tonight's Word: Healthy Appetite. This study is flawed, (It's Nutrageous) soda keeps people active. Whenever I drink a Mountain Dew I parachute out of a bi-plane, land on a snowboard and jump over an alligator pit. Heck of a workout. You doctors should know that. (First Dew no harm) Besides if every kid in America buys one less soda, say a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, it will create a ripple effect on the American workforce. (Jiggle-down economics) Bottlers won't bottle, carbonators won't carbonate and distributors won't distributate. And it doesn't just hurt the cola industry folks, it hurts the little guys. The cherry pickers, (Sodium benzoate producers) vanilla extractors, (Sodium benzoate distributors) even the medical community. (Studying long term effects of sodium benzoate) What are all those unemployed people going to do? (Be replaced by immigrants) They're gonna sit on the couch, watch TV and get fat. It's a vicious cycle. (A Domino's effect) Obesity isn't something to shy away from, it's something to be embraced. (If you can get your arms around it)
We don't need economic growth, we need economic obesity. (Bottom line=Waistline) Take the textile industry: overweight people by bigger clothes, which means more fabric, giving work to our nation's struggling sweatshop workers. (The invisible Filipino hands of the market) Plus these portly patriots don't like walking places which is good news for the nation's automobile manufacturers because bigger drivers mean bigger cars. (Fatty-Fatty Four-by-Fours) And bigger cars mean more gas and more room for feel good bumper stickers. ("My Other Car is a Wienermobile") Now listen, without full figured fellows, the multi billion dollar diet and exercise industry would collapse. Just imagine the repercussions. ("Cosmo" now entirely about sex positions) Even our greatest artistic achievements would suffer. For without our hefty heroes there would be no songs about fat bottomed girls or lovely lady lumps. (And operas would never end) And it would be the final nail in the coffin of America's proud "Yo Mamma" joke industry. (Mexico's "Tu Madre" industry catching up) So America, have your cake and eat it to, in fact eat your friends cake. You're helping our nations bakers, because getting fat is the only way to keep the economy healthy.
And that's the Word.
Stephen: Turns out it's actually magician David Blaine. He's spending a week in 2000 gallons of salt water trying to prove once and for all that mankind is capable of watching anything.
Stephen's press conference audition video was originally featured during his performance at the 2006 White House Correspondents Association dinner.
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