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Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: Declaration Of Warming. Folks it used to be if you wanted to stop climate change you had to talk like this:
[Video: Announcer: We have to act now. Join us; together we can solve the climate crisis…]
Stephen: We? Join? Together? Gay marriage? That last part wasn't in there but that's all I heard. Luckily John McCain has found a better way.
[Video: Announcer: There's a better way.
John McCain: I believe that climate change is real. It's not just a greenhouse gas issue, it's a national security issue.]
Stephen: National security issue! Sign me up and tell me where to duct tape! (Ed Begley Jr. has car made of duct tape) And folks McCain is not the only one mining America's rich fear deposits. Bill Clinton says he believes climate change is quote: The most profound security threat we face today. (Next to nominating Barack Obama) Now what they're saying is climate change could create a food shortage leading to strife in regions where there is hostility toward the U.S. government. (Like the United States?) Plus everyone knows McCain is an expert on national security, (And Baghdad market safety) therefore he is now an automatically an expert on global warming too. He should really make more things national security issues. (Like knowing the difference between Sunni and Shia) Like the economy, McCain should bring his steady hand on national security to the weakening dollar and remind us that we might be in this recession for a while. (A hundred years?)
You see, we need to think of global warming as an invasion of our homeland by heat. (U.S. soon literal melting pot) And I think the nationals security answer here? (Invade Iran?) All we have to do is build a border fence made out of air conditioners, and if those agitated high temperature molecules want to get into this country, first they got to cool down, second, they got to learn English. Comprende los molecules calientes? Meanwhile average Americans can roll up our sleeves and do our part by putting flags on our lawns. (Using gas powered flagpole) The point is fighting climate change doesn't have to mean coming together as a planet and putting aside our differences for a common greater good. I mean who in the world would agree to something like that. [Bullet starts running off all the countries] Alright, you made your point. [Even more countries] Alright, that's enough! [Countries M-N] You know what? F*ck you too. [Rest of the world]
And that's the Word.
Grover Norquist: What we do want the government to do is to have a police force, national security, to make sure we don't get mugged or attacked by foreigners but, beyond that, we want the government to leave us alone.
Stephen Colbert: Let's talk about the book for a second here. It is called, as you said before, Leave Us Alone. I applaud you for resurrecting some of the rhetoric of nineteenth century South. When you say, "leave us alone," aren't you in some way really capturing the spirit of E Pluribus Unum, which means out of many, just me?
Stephen Colbert: A lot of Democrats still get all upset about the 2000 election in Florida just because it was a small group of people in the back room, deciding who was going to be the next President of the United States. Isn't that what the superdelegates are all about now? I mean, that's the democratic tradition.
Laura Dern: It's incorrigible, isn't it, that we want like voices heard in this country. It's an annoying thing, I understand.
Stephen Colbert: (regarding the new film "Recount" that chronicles the Election of 2000) I'm just glad Catherine Harris is finally getting her long overdue credit for saving American democracy and, by extension, Iraqi democracy and, who knows, Iranian democracy.
Stephen Colbert: Nation, I've never been a fan of the Beatles. That's why I was so happy to hear this week that former Beatle and walrus impersonator Paul McCartney was "horrified" to learn that his eco-friendly car was flown 7,000 miles from Japan to England, creating a "carbon footprint almost 100 times bigger than if it had come by sea." Horrified Sir Paul? That's pretty hypocritical from a man who advocated such inefficient modes of transportation as newspaper taxis and flying submarines. Now, don't get me wrong. I've been a staunch believer in climate change ever since Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth grossed $49 million worldwide. The market has spoken. Global warming is real. And now, there may be a away to get patriots like me excited about the fight against climate change and it's tonight's word: Declaration of Warming.
Stephen Colbert: The University of Massachusetts may revoke an honorary law degree they issued in 1986 to Zimbabwean strongman Robert Mugabe. Let me get this straight, UMASS. You gave an honorary law degree to Robert Mugabe and not to me. What does a guy have to do to get an honorary law degree these days? Rig an election? Ruin a national economy? Organize groups of machete wielding veterans to terrorize farmers and confiscate their lands? I've done at least two of those…UMASS give me an honorary law degree!
Stephen Colbert: Tonight, John McCain strongly differs with Bush on the environment. He's willing to acknowledge it exists. Then, there's a new movie about the 2000 Florida recount. I love a story with a feel good ending. And my guest, Grover Norquist, wants to make the government so small he could drown it in his bathtub. I'd like to stab it in my shower. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a subprime fish loan and you're in business buddy! This is the Colbert Report!
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