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The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 120

Guillermo del Toro

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 22, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Guillermo del Toro
Tonight Stephen welcomes writer/director and author of The Fall, Guillermo del Toro.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: President Obama gives a back to school speech and I assume bails out kids who lost their lunch money. Then: Is farm work a job Americans will do? Depends. Do cornfields have wifi? And my guest is author and fantasy director Guillermo del Toro. He's about to meet Stephen del Matador. Hey Fox! I would make a great American Idol judge. American Idol should be canceled? See how well I judged it? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: There is a new way to keep our children safe, and it brings us to tonight's Word: The More You No. Now, as a parent I know there is one fear that tops them all, that one day my child will grow up to be different from me. (Her name is Stephen for a reason) That's why I insist that my children's experiences be exactly the same as my childhood experiences. So their first toy: Stretch Armstrong! Their first computer: A Commodore 64. And their first kiss: Jenny Carmichael…who is now Mrs. Jennifer Reynolds and has been very gracious about the whole thing. (Stephen's first kiss actually with Stretch Armstrong) Unfortunately as parents we must control the outside influences which lead our children down the road to ruin. (aka: The Jon Stewart Rally) Otherwise, instead of Land's End, they're suddenly experimenting with J. Crew which we know is just a gateway to Urban Outfitters. (The Devil wears raspberry cords!) Now before you know it one Thanksgiving they come home and they say: Hey Dad, let's turn on football, but they mean soccer. Who are you! I carried you for nine months! (He's got the hips to prove it) Well, last week America's kids went back to school and they were faced with the most insidious influence yet. (Gleeks) They were faced with a video message from our President.

        [Video: President Obama: An education is about more than getting into a good college, it's about more than getting a good job when you graduate, it's about giving each and every one of us the chance to fulfill our promise and to be the best version of ourselves that we can be.]

        Stephen: Just like Barack Obama turned out to be the best version of Jimmy Carter. And folks, we know what this video message to the kids really was.

        [Video: Glenn Back: Indoctrination in America…Our educational system, already loaded with anti-capitalist propaganda, progressive revisionist history, the Obama indoctrination….
        Monica Crowley: Just when you think that this administration can't get any more surreal and Orwellian, here he comes to indoctrinate our children…
        Sean Hannity: I would not want my kids in a school where they are taking a captive audience and indoctrinating them with views that contradict mine.]

        Stephen: Right! Who is some teacher to contradict my belief that Abraham Lincoln's running mate was Aquaman? It may not be in the history books folks, but I want my children to learn that John Wilkes Booth was brought to justice by porpoises. Now thankfully, one school district found a way to protect their students from indoctrination.

        [Video: Laura Petrowski: One district is requiring parental permission in order for kids to watch.
        Dick Ellis: Based on the comments we got last year, we decided, Okay, let's send home a form to every kid in the district and the parent of every student in the district and lets let the parents let us know exactly what they want their child to do, if they want their child to see the address.]

        Stephen: That's right, permission slips. Because listening to a President your parents didn't vote for is just as dangerous as a field trip to ride Skull Mountain at Six Flags. (Obama poll numbers also plunge 400 feet) But folks, I believe they should have gone farther. Even mentioning President Obama teaches kids the dangerous lesion that he's our President. (The audacity of fact) I say schools should require permission slips before our children are allowed to learn anything we disagree with, and that included foreign languages, or even ordering Mexican sounding foods in the cafeteria, because empathy for illegal immigrants starts with taco Tuesdays. (Ends on "Diarrhea Wednesdays") the point is if you want to make your children just like you, you must control everything they see and hear. Some day they will thank you, assuming they ever speak to you again. The more you no)

        And that's the Word.

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