The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 141

Harold Evans

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 04, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Harold Evans
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of My Paper Chase: True Stories of Vanished Times, Harold Evans. Also, in a special Formidable Opponent, Al Gore joins the debate on global warming.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: I analyze yesterday's election results. Oh crap! I forgot to vote. Then: What should we do about global warming? I say take a wait and swim approach. Plus journalist Harold Evans is here to talk about the newspaper business. Assuming it's still around in 15 minutes. Quitters never win unless they're competing in a quitting contest. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Brilliant move. Nothing says you're a winner than quoting Monty Python.

      • Stephen: Welcome Stephen, thanks for coming.
        Red Stephen: Any excuse to get on television.
        Stephen: Have you lost weight?
        Red Stephen: Yes, I'm trying to reduce my carbon assprint.
        Stephen: I gotta work on it, I am so fat.
        Red Stephen: I didn't want to say anything.
        Stephen: Stephen, we no longer have any excuse for not fighting global warming. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that Cap and Trade will cost the average American household only $175 a year.
        Red Stephen: Yes, because that study was authored by the rainbow pony flying out of Barack Obama's butt. (Unicorn riding a rainbow flies by)
        Stephen: Sparkle!
        Red Stephen: But the Heritage Foundation says by 2035 the program will cost the average family $1500 a year.
        Stephen: But the EPA says 80 to 100 dollars a year.
        Red Stephen: But the American Petroleum Institute says 3,000 dollars a year.
        Stephen: But Sally Struthers says we can do it for just a dollar a day!
        Red Stephen: Point is, it's going to cost money and we cannot afford that in a recession.
        Stephen: That's no excuse to…
        Red Stephen: Ah, ah ah. Recession.
        Stephen: But our grandchildren….
        Red Stephen: Recession.
        Stephen: You're just saying recession to everything I…
        Red Stephen: Recession.
        Stephen: Look, no matter how much money you have you still need a planet to live on.
        Red Stephen: Not true. I believe that if you are rich enough you can shed your mortal form, become a being a pure money and live forever inside Quicken.
        Stephen: You believe that, but you don't believe in global warming?
        Red Stephen: Well I do now, because An Inconvenient Truth made money. The market has spoken, global warming is real.
        Stephen: So, what's your plan?
        Red Stephen: Do nothing.
        Stephen: Stephen, a crisis calls for moral courage.
        Red Stephen: What's more courageous, jumping off a track when you see a train coming or standing your ground by ignoring it?
        Stephen: You're just going to ignore global warming?
        Red Stephen: Nope, I'm going to let the free market fix it. Even Al Gore says that new economies will emerge to fix this problem. So we should just crank up the air conditioning and wait for that to happen.
        Stephen: Al Gore did not say that!
        Red Stephen: Oh really? I happen to have his new book.
        Stephen: Oh really? I happen to have Al Gore. Mr. Vice President.
        Al Gore: Hello Stephens.
        Red Stephen: Uh, hello.
        Al Gore: Stephen with a red tie, stopping global warming doesn't have to hurt our economy. In my new book Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis, available now from Rodell Press, 26.95, I lay out bold ideas that if implemented will not only reduce man's carbon footprint but will reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
        Stephen: Ha!
        Red Stephen: Not so fast. Al?
        Red Al Gore: Hello there Al
        Al Gore: Hi Al, have you lost weight?
        Red Al Gore: No, I just started wearing bigger suits.
        Al Gore: Genius.
        Red Al Gore: Thank you.
        Red Stephen: Al, tell them how fighting global warming comes with a price tag.
        Red Al Gore: Not nearly the price tag we'll pay for doing nothing. I my new book, Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis, available now from Rodell Press, 26.95….
        Al Gore: That's a great price.
        Red Al Gore: It is. I lay out the dire economic consequences of not acting now.
        Stephen: Ha!
        Red Stephen: Shut up! What dire economic consequences?
        Al Gore: Rising sea levels could flood Mumbai, Manila, Washington D.C., even New York. Remember, this studio only two blocks from the water.
        Stephen: And only four blocks from the Hustler Club.
        Red Stephen: Oh my God! Well, we'll do what humans always do, we'll just adapt to the new situation.
        Red Al Gore: Okay, let's give that a try. (Bucket of water comes out)
        Red Stephen: What's this for? (Red Al sticks Red Stephen's head in the water)
        Stephen: Is he adapting?
        Red Al Gore: Doesn't seem to be growing any gills.
        Stephen: Well, I'm convinced. You sir….(Red Al let's Red Stephen out of the bucket)
        Red Stephen: Are a formidable opponent.

      • Stephen: You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. I'm flooding the studio with poison gas.

    • NOTES (1)

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