The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 17

Harold Ford Jr.

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 01, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Harold Ford Jr.
Tonight Stephen welcomes the Republican candidate for the New York Senate, Harold Ford Jr.

Also, Stephen talks with sports psychologist Nicole Detling Miller and speed skater Jessica Smith.
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      • Stephen: But there is only one way to fight this compromise agenda, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Siren Song. Now, Congressional Republicans, you listen to me: The President is trying to lead you party to its doom! (And that's Michael Steele's job) Now sure, everybody loves the sound of bipartisanship but for Republicans the thought of actually doing it is political suicide. Even the President knows that.

        [Video: President Obama: The fact of the matter is that many you, if you voted with the administration of something, are politically vulnerable in your own base.]

        Stephen: Exactly! It is hard to explain to your own base that you found common ground with black Hitler. And if you negotiate with the President you will give up your best talking points. ("I drive a truck!") The talking points that he won't negotiate with you, that's why you need to follow the advice that your leader and orange Teletubby John Boehner gave on Meet the Press.

        [Video: John Boehner: Leadership is about standing on your principles…]

        Stephen: Yes! True leaders stand on their principles, not on their accomplishments. (World's greatest leader: Dennis Kucinich) Remember your party is seriously considering a purity test for candidates. (Question 1: Do you own a truck?) So ideologically you have to be like Ivory Soap, 99.5% pure (Also very white) And you have gotten off to a good start. For instance, last week the Senate tried to authorize a debt commission proposed by Obama, a commission many Republicans have proposed in the past, but this time none of them would vote for it. (Have you cake and defeat it too) I say good job fellas. The danger is Obama might offer you something you can't resist. (Chocolate-covered Reagans?) You need to prepare yourselves, you must steel yourselves for that eventual moment. I recommend reading The Odyssey by Homer. Homer what? Do we have his last name? No? You're fired. You see Odysseus was traveling home from the Trojan War, (Never found "Helen of Mass Destruction") he knew that on the way home he had to sail by the island of Sirens who lure sailors to their death with their sweet songs. (Though Sirens never won a Grammy) So he knew he had to take action, so to keep him from steering his ship into the rocks, he had his men fill their ears with wax and tie him to the mast. (But the Greek Navy is not gay) Well I think Republican leaders like John Boehner need to follow his example and lash himself to the mast of your principles, then you can sail safely into the elections no matter how tempting the President's bipartisan offer.

        Now to demonstrate, I'm going to handcuff myself to my desk…that is more painful than I thought it would be…now, alright, do your dirtiest.
        Obama: …making tough decisions about opening new offhshore areas for oil and gas development….
        Stephen: Drill baby drill!!!
        Obama: …building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country…
        StephenM/strong>: Oh I love nuclear power! It's like radioactive coal! Fight it, fight it!
        Obama: …eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investments..
        Stephen: Oh!
        Obama: …we cut taxes (repeatedly)
        Stephen: Aaaagggghhh!. Whew. I made it.
        Obama: Let me repeat, we cut taxes.
        Stephen: No! You son of a bitch! But don't worry, that classy, radical leftist may try to undermine you principles by proposing your principles, but he'll never propose your most cherished principle, to disagree with anything he proposes. (Siren Song)

        And that's the Word.

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