The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 67

Howard Dean

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 16, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Howard Dean
Tonight Stephen welcomes the chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: I've got a wager on a track and field event. Just because nobody watches doesn't mean you can't bet on it.

      • Stephen: Watch this show in a well-ventilated area, my truth can be over-powering! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: I sit down with DNC chairman Howard Dean. I'll ask him how he rigged the mid-term elections.

      • Stephen: Should athletes with prosthetics be allowed to compete in the Olympics? And if so, how will they inject the steroids?

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Level Playing Field. You want to talk about unfair? (Manilow!!!) This is a guy whose legs were amputated when he was 1. He couldn't run without these artificial legs, it's not his fault they were made well. He should be allowed to compete. (Against Lee Majors) Though frankly I hope they do give him an advantage. Seeing a guy with carbon fiber super cheetah legs whoop up on a bunch of bone and muscle Luddites, I cannot think of anything more exiting. (Not even National Bingo Night?) Besides if he can't use science to enhance his legs, where does it end? Does that mean I'm supposed to stop taking Enzyte? But even if the carbon legs are better than human legs, all Oscar Pistorius is doing is turning a misfortune into an advantage. (Like a blues singer) And hey, nothing's stopping the other athletes from lopping off their own legs and strapping on some rocket shins! (Floyd Landis considered it) But they don't do that because they don't want to suffer that tragedy. I feel the same way about Rudy Giuliani. Lot of people criticize him for using the memory of 9/11 in his presidential campaign. That is gives him an unfair advantage. For instance, last night he didn't even have to finish a sentence about 9/11 to get thunderous applause.

        Video: Rudy Giuliani: I've seen…(applause)]

        Stephen: "I've seen." That's all he has to say now, wouldn't make a bad campaign slogan. [Giuliani '08: "I've seen"] Now is that an unfair advantage? No, it just levels the playing field. Fact it, he's a pro-choice, pro-gun control, twice divorced, cross dressing pro-gay rights New Yorker running for the Republican nomination. That's worse than no legs, that's like being a head in a jar. (Head-in-jar polling higher than Tancredo) Now without question it was devastating to be the mayor of New York City on September 11th, most people wouldn't turn such an awful experience into a political asset. (Without help of Karl Rove) They would just wallow in self pity, spending the rest of their political career parked in an emotional handicap space. (John Kerry currently parked there) But Rudy Giuliani is running to be the next President of the United States. He may not be running on carbon fiber legs, but us is running on two steel and glass towers. And let's face it, he'd never be in this race without them. And when he stands on those legs he better stand by our President, because however fast he runs he'll never be able to run away from this:

        [Video: (August 30, 2004) Rudy Giuliani: Without really thinking, based on just emotion, spontaneous, I grabbed the arm of then Police Commissioner Bernard Kerick and I said to him: Bernie, thank God that George Bush is our President.]

        Stephen: And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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