The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 159

Jack Welch

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 18, 2006 on Comedy Central
8.8
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Jack Welch
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the retired CEO of General Electric, Jack Welch.

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      • Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: The Draft. That's right America, I, Stephen Colbert, am calling for the reactivation of Selective Service. (Now that he's too old) I say we call up our nation's able bodied young adults to serve their country. (www.aircanada.com) Folks, we need the draft. We need the draft to put more soldiers in the field, but more importantly, to more protesters in the streets. It recently occurred to me that there might be some similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. (Also between Mary-Kate, Ashley Olsen) For one thing both wars prove John Kerry is a coward, (Also, Bush AWOL) but there is a difference. You see, Vietnam's anti-war movement was so unbearably strident that many Americans hated the hippies even more than they hated the war. The result, they became Republicans and just five years after the fall of Saigon, the Reagan revolution swept into power. (Source: Family Ties) Anyway you look at this that was a victory for America. (And Oliver Stone's career) Now the problem with the Iraq war is that public opposition has been unbelievably tame. The liberal nut jobs say the administration lied about WMDs, lied about the links between Al-Qeada and Iraq, mismanaged the occupation all while enriching their corporate masters in the military industrial complex. So how did the enraged throngs fight back? Run for lives, their blogging! ("Hell, no! We won't leave our mom's house)

        During the Vietnam War there were topless protests! (The teat offensive) There were graduation students shouting "baby killer" at returning troops and Hollywood princesses like Jane Fonda going go-go dancing with the Vietcong! Now that is stuff you can reject. Today's dissident is so tepid that instead of blaming the dissenters, people might actually blame the administration. (Even more than they do now) That's why reinstating the draft will give us something far more valuable than increased troop levels. (A sequel to Hair?) It will give us college students who are scared so sh*tless they'll do something in the name of the anti-war movement that's unforgivable. (Nader '08?) We need some spoiled rich kid to throw a moccachino at Jessica Lynch. ("Scalding Private Ryan") We need some clueless starlet to hug Muqtada Al-Sadir. How about Britney Spears, she seems lost, give her a burka. (And some underwear) Liberal activism will once again be so offensive to average Americans that whether or not we win in Iraq, conservatives will bounce back in 2008 and keep power for years to come. (2020 vision)

        And that's the Word.

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