The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 119

Jackson Browne

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 23, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes singer/songwriter Jackson Browne.

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Tonight: The government wants spend 700 billion dollars to bail out Wall Street. What's the quickest way to set up a massive failing firm? And my guest Jackson Brown is suing John McCain for using one of his songs. But McCain has a very good lawyer: Sarah Palin's shotgun! Hey! Autumnal Equinox! If the nights are getting longer why is my show still only a half hour? This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Nation, this weekend Senator John McCain and his Vice Presidential running mate…Who am I kidding, we won an Emmy!

      • Stephen: No one's got money for doors anymore, it is a wolf howling at out cardboard flaps, which brings us to tonight's Word: Oh My God Society Is Collapsing And We Will Soon Be Devouring Each Other In The Streets Like Dogs And A Crippled One-Eyed Boy Will Be King If We Don't Fix This By Next Week! Yes! Yes folks we are headed for disaster unless we listen to the President and Treasury Secretary Paulson and cushion the Wall Street crash. (With fluffy pile of foreclosed homes) Now it could cost a trillion dollars, to put that in terms a layman can understand: You can't. (Think of it as one Euro) Now we don't know how this plan will work, how the debt transfer will operate, when liquidity will be restored or which CEOs get to dip themselves in glue and run naked through the Treasury Department money pit. (Losers keepser) But faced with the most complicated problem in modern history the answer is obvious. (Invade Iran?) We must pass this bill as quickly as possible. The administration wants Congress to pass legislation in a week. I say: Why so long? (Rubber stamp out of ink?) Now sure, maybe it took ten years to raise the minimum wage $1.40 but a complete overhaul of our financial system is just one blank check. They'll write in what they need. (Like Mad Libs, but with numbers!) Mitch McConnell, Senator Mitch McConnell said it best:

        [Video: Mitch McConnell: When there's a fire in your kitchen threatening to burn down your home, you don't want someone stopping the firefighters on the way and demanding they hand out smoke detectors first or lecturing you about the hazards of keeping paint in the basement.]

        Stephen: Now sure, in this case the firefighters like Paulson, who spent over 30 years at Goldman Sachs, may also technically be the arsonists, but that just means he knows a lot about fires. (And blowing smoke up out ass) And yes, the "smoke alarms" are proposed editions to the bill like capping CEO pay, so maybe the analogy would be more accurate if he said: When there's a fire in your kitchen, you don't want someone stopping the firefighters from stealing your stereo. But speaking of firefighters, this meltdown is the worst crisis to confront America since 9/11 and like 9/11 no one could have seen this coming. Although there was that memo: Banking Industry Determined to Strike Within U.S. And like after that terrible emergency, we now need to give the powers that be more powers that will be. Well mission accomplished. Just look at section 8 of the Treasury bill which states: "Decision by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this act are non-revieable…" That is the kind of efficiency that Alberto Gonzales brought to the Justice Department. (Now just called "The Department") By the way, and most importantly…Is the bill passed yet? (No) How about now? (Nope) What's taking so long! (Rome wasn't bankrupted in a day) Now sure, maybe this plan doesn't address the root causes of the crisis, but Secretary Paulson has an answer for this.

        [Video: Henry Paulson: This is a critical debate for another day.]

        Stephen: Right! We have to give unchecked financial power to the President and his appointees now to implement a plan that no one understands. (Especially the President and his appointees) Then later, much later, when the crisis is either over or far, far worse, there will be plenty of time to decide if this plan was a good idea, if we could review the actions of the Secretary, which we can't. (Hindsight if $2020 billion) The point is this is one of the most important, irrevocable economics decisions we will ever make. Let's make it in a state of panic.

        And that's the Word.

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