The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 59

James Kunstler

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 01, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

James Kunstler
Tonight Stephen welcomes social critic and author of World Made by Hand, James Kunstler.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (8)

      • (Formidable Opponent)
        Stephen Colbert 1: Ok, let's get to it. Howard Dean is dead wrong. You go with the person with the most votes. That's how you pick a president.
        Stephen Colbert 2: No, that's how you pick a prom theme.
        Stephen Colbert 1: My prom theme was "Jaws In Space."
        Stephen Colbert 2: I know. I went with you. The point is, in a national campaign, you go with the most electable candidate.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Well, what does "electable" mean?
        Stephen Colbert 2: It means the candidate who possess electability.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Which is?
        Stephen Colbert 2: The ability to get elected.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Oh, so wouldn't that be the one who got the most votes?
        Stephen Colbert 2: No, it's the candidate who people are most likely to vote for.
        Stephen Colbert 1: So, the candidate who people most agree with on the most important issues?
        Stephen Colbert 2: No, it's the candidate who knows the most important issue is electability. Take Barack Obama. He's unelectable. He is an elitist who doesn't wear a flag pin and, if you think his preacher doesn't like America, you should hear his Iman.
        Stephen Colbert 1: But really Stephen, should that stuff matter?
        Stephen Colbert 2: Hey, don't ask me. Ask Charlie Gibson. Today, on Good Morning America, he once again defended against asking all that stuff in the Philadelphia debate. (shows video clip)
        Stephen Colbert 1: He's right. We are much debating this right now.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Because there are continuing questions about Obama's electability.
        Stephen Colbert 1: But when Hillary was the front runner, people talked about her high negatives. Clinton fatigue, her vote for the war in Iraq, and the fear that she might be a zombie that rules the night and feasts on human flesh. Back then, they said she was unelectable.
        Stephen Colbert 2: And she was which is why everybody voted for Barack Obama.
        Stephen Colbert 1: But he's unelectable.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Totally. You see, electability really only comes up when you're in the lead. If you're not about to be elected, nobody is going to point out how unelectable you are.
        Stephen Colbert 1: So, if the person who's losing is less unelectable, then logically wouldn't the most electable candidate be Dennis Kucinich?
        Stephen Colbert 2: Well, there's a limit.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Ok, if only there was a simpler way to figure out who the democrats want as their nominee? I mean, maybe they could take a vote.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Not so fast. What if everyone voted for someone no one would vote for?
        Stephen Colbert 1: Oh yeah. But…
        Stephen Colbert 2: Try this. Imagine you're a superdelegate.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Ok. Hold on. (Stephen Colbert 1 pantomimes thinking really hard) Got it.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Ok, you got two choices. One candidate who is experienced, battle tested, and well known.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Oh, I love things that are well known.
        Stephen Colbert 2: But wait. There's another choice that everyone's excited about. It's a symbol of the future. People are flocking.
        Stephen Colbert 1: Oh, I haven't had a good flock in ages. I choose that one.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Are you sure?
        Stephen Colbert 1: Yes.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Congratulations. You have made the popular choice. And, come the convention, you and your fellow delegates welcome to the stage your party's nominee: an i-phone.
        Stephen Colbert 1: No!
        Stephen Colbert 2: Yes!
        Stephen Colbert 1: No!
        Stephen Colbert 2: What's the matter? It's popular. It's the future. Do you have buyer's remorse?
        Stephen Colbert 1: No, listen, don't get me wrong. It's super cool. It's got every feature you could possibly dream of.
        Stephen Colbert 2: But?
        Stephen Colbert 1: It's got a terrible battery life. It will never make it to November.
        Stephen Colbert 2: Too late. You made your choice and, come Election Day, the democrats and their shiny new i-phone get defeated by the republicans and this (brandishes old-fashioned telephone).
        Stephen Colbert 1: Oh! I've been a fool.
        Stephen Colbert 2: No, you sir have been
        Both: A formidable opponent.

      • Stephen Colbert: (in singing voice) Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies and get morally corrupted. (back in normal voice) By movies, of course, I mean movie trailers. I don't watch whole movies. I can get all the cultural poison I need in a 90 second thrill fest. These are the "Trailers that are Destroying America, Summer Movie Edition." This is the season Hollywood makes all its cash and, as usual, this year's target market is senior citizens. And this must be because old grandpa Ford is back in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. (shows movie trailer for film) This movie trailer is truly dangerous. It gives our nation's aged the idea that they are invincible. Our Medicare system is strained enough without the deluge of broken hips we're going to see when seniors start swinging from the rafters on bullwhips. You know how impressionable the over 70 crowd is. Dr. Jones, hang up that fedora. Give our seniors a more responsible sequel. Might I suggest Indiana Jones and the Wheel of Fortune where Indiana Jones stays home and watches Wheel of Fortune. The next trailer destroying America is Sex and the City. Just when I thought it was safe to forget what Jimmy Choo's were, they had to go and bring it to the big screen. (shows trailer) Hey Hollywood, if you want to make a movie out of a tv show so bad, why not remake The Donna Reed Show? They were a wholesome American family who embodied domestic values as they rode around the world in their pedal golf cart, solving crime. I assume. I've never seen it. Folks, with this movie, Hollywood is seeking to destroy male/female relationships. Women who see this will never get married because they'll be waiting around forever for some fantasy man instead of settling for a guy who, you know admittedly has his flaws but at least he watches Sex and the City. I mean, cut me some slack. (in imitation of the show "Sex and the City", Stephen begins typing on a laptop with a voiceover) With so much rage burning inside me, I can't help but wonder, am I fueling the fire by watching these trailers? Should I douse the flames by blowing out a birthday candle? Will I get my wish? Wait as second. This laptop's turned off which is a shame because this entry is amazing. (throws laptop to the floor and returns to regular voice) Finally, a trailer with a positive message. Ironman! (shows movie trailer) For once, Hollywood is celebrating billionaire arms dealers, like Tony Stark of Stark Industries. I like this trend, folks. I certainly hope Hollywood greenlights more biopics of famous industrialists turned superheroes. Like Andrew Carnegie with his bionic beard that hurls steel beams at workers who demand fair wages. Or how about a mutant John D. Rockefeller with his awe-inspiring cheetah pelvis, the fastest pelvis on land? Doesn't actually have anything to do with Rockefeller. It would just be awesome. Well, folks, that's it for "Trailers that are Destroying America." Until next time, I'll save you the aisle seat so you can vomit in the aisle.

      • Stephen Colbert: Wait a second. Ethanol is the answer. I've said it on the show before. It's corn plus magic equals gasoline. Ok? I've seen the commercials. I can get a big Suburban and it's got the flex fuel label on the back and I can just put a can of creamed corn in the tank and I am jaked. That's what I understand.
        James Howard Kunstler: Well, there's one thing you left out. You have to put wishing in too.
        Stephen Colbert: Oh, go on.
        James Howard Kunstler: Well, we've become a very wishful nation. And the wish is understandable. You wish to keep on running stuff they way we're running it now.
        Stephen Colbert: Won't we adapt?

      • James Howard Kunstler: We're heading down the slope of depletion [regarding oil].
        Stephen Colbert: People talk about peak oil. How do you know we've hit peak oil? I mean that's like saying I've reached my career heights. How do you know? Maybe we can just dig deeper and find more oil.
        James Howard Kunstler: Well, that's a wish…
        Stephen Colbert: That's a prayer technically.

      • James Howard Kunstler: This is fiction. All you have to do is be plausible. You don't have to be correct about anything.
        Stephen Colbert: Ok. Now, this is one of those doom crying things where everything is going to go bad in the future because of the way we behave now. So, you're anti-people. You're of the "blame humans first" crowd.
        James Howard Kunstler: No, I'm very much on the side of humanity. I just think we're going to be living real differently. We're going to be kind of disappointed that the way we're living now is actually going to not work out.
        Stephen Colbert: So, you're not angry with people. You're just disappointed.

      • (shows video of Jenna Bush and First Lady, discussing wedding day and some motherly advice)
        Stephen Colbert: It is true. It is so important to be at your own wedding. Let me tell you, people hate to hear "I do" coming over a speakerphone. Trust me. And, if I may add another tip from my own wedding, if you're going to release doves, don't do it directly under a ceiling fan.

      • James Howard Kunstler: (discussing oil) You're probably one of these people who thinks that the world has a creamy nougat center of oil but it doesn't.
        Stephen Colbert: No, when you go past the crust of the earth, you get to the "Land of the Lost" where the slestacks live.

      • Stephen Colbert: Everybody who is anybody is getting invited. Of course, Dick Cheney is going to be there, throwing rice. (shows picture of Dick Cheney shooting rice at the couple) Well, firing rice.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • While discussing Jenna Bush's upcoming marriage and those invited to the soiree, Stephen shows a picture, featuring a happy couple and Dick Cheney shooting rice at them. This is an allusion to the February 11, 2006 accidental hunting accident in which Dick Cheney shoots, with pellets, Harry Whittington in the face, neck, and upper torso.

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