The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 69

Jared Diamond

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 21, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Jared Diamond
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Tonight Stephen welcomes research biologist, physiologist at UCLA medical school and author of Guns, Germs and Steel, Jared Diamond.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: I give you three hundred and sixty degrees of news minus my thirty-six degree finder's fee. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Author Jared Diamond has a book that tells why civilisations succeed. Yeah, I've read it. It's called the Bible.

      • Stephen: I'll give you tips on how to stay healthy. If you're not in my network, it's going to cost you.

      • Stephen: Paul Wolfowitz is pushed out of the World Bank. Maybe his girlfriend can get him a job at the State Department.

      • Stephen: Barack, a name by the way you can't get the story straight on. Here's a question from politico.com I wish more people were asking. Why has he sometimes said his first name is Arabic and some Swahili. Yeah, why have you said Barack is both Arabic and Swahili just because in fact it is both? Oh, the truth is so convenient. Obama's a liar, pass it on.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: His Way. Folks, Wolfowitz didn't get to where his is (Or where he was forced to leave) by being a shrinking violet. He's a fighter! (Actually a student deferer) So when his enemies wanted him out Wolfowitz refused to leave until he got a deal befitting a man of his stature. (Now he demands an exit strategy!?) So the board issued the following statement quote: "He assured us that he acted ethically and in good faith in what he believed were the best interests of the institution and we accept that." Sounds like he did a good job, going to be hard to fill his shoes. (Do you have a size "Anyone else?") We can all relate to this situation. For instance my departure from The Daily Show was precipitated by my decision to get wasted and rub my bare butt on Jon Stewart's desk. ("Here it is, your moment of Zen.") They told me to leave and I said: Only if you give me my own show and release a statement say I was only acting in the best interest of Jon's furniture. (Desk "wanted" it) Now Wolfowitz is getting a performance bonus of 400,000 dollars, I guess I should have asked for the same thing. ($200,000 per cheek) But this isn't just about Wolfowitz folks, the real lesson here is that the only way to get rid of someone in the Bush administration is to publicly state that there is no reason for them to leave. Tenet and Bremmer both got Medals of Freedom, Brownie did a heckuva job and Donald Rumsfeld was quote: "The finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had." ("This nation = Iran) And to Jimmy Carter and the small minority of Americans who disapprove of the President himself, (The tiny 72%) look, if you really want Bush to leave office just put all your complaints aside and publicly say the following:

        "I the undersigned gratefully accept that George W. Bush is the greatest President ever. I believe he acted in good faith in his decision to take us to war in Iraq and has always acted in the best interest of all Americans and, in the case of Barney, all American pets. He can bend spoons with his mind and his flesh tastes like apple pie. In closing I believe he would make and excellent Baseball commissioner."

        So if you anti-Bush impeachfuzzers really want the President to step down just go to our website www.colbertnation.com, download this statement, sign it and send it to the White House. Now, on the other hand, if you support the President, just send the same letter, it's pretty nice. As for Wolfowitz, he should have no problem getting a new job. You know, there's a position over at the World Bank, he's a shoe in. I recently read somewhere that he did a great job over there. (His way)

        And that's the Word.

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